An introverted and introspective couple of days. They come and then go, the going seems slightly easier as I move further away from my failed suicide attempt. I am thankful for everything I have and everything I will gain by being simply alive. I am as poor as a church mouse whose just lost his job but I’m happy in what I’m doing and what I’m hoping to achieve.
It takes a monumental effort to appear normal, to keep going, to keep passions simmering at an acceptable level. I can’t begin to explain how tired I am all the time, all this effort should be burning up the calories but I’m still ’thic’! I wish just once I could wake up from a sleep free from disturbing dreams and it’s all gone. The PTSD, the anxiety, panic and depression. The fear of rejection, the crushing low self esteem and self sabotage weigh me down like a 3 tonne weight upon my shoulders. Slogging through life with multiple layers of mud on your boots, unable to lift your feet, you cannot run, escape the oozing sand of mental illness.
Amongst the swamp are small islands of calm and serenity. Here you can rest awhile, recover your senses, sleep with no nightmares and awake refreshed. The trick is to find more and more of these islands and to stay there a bit longer every time, breathe the air in deep and look through the mist for the next place of safety. Eventually there is no more swamp apart from a few hag holes to trip and catch the uninformed.
I think sometimes by looking over your shoulder at the islands you’ve been on is a mistake. Places you thought safe were incredibly dangerous. The mind plays tricks and memories are often rosier than the reality. Those false little havens are thankfully rare, but like a sailor driven mad by the sound of the Sirens you can be easily led to your death!
Enough of the analogies! Have a fantastic weekend whatever you’re doing and whoever you are! #optimism #movingforward #suicideprevention #suicideawarness #eupd #eupdrecovery #eupdawareness #bpd #mensmentalhealth #mind #andysmansclub
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