I was sad and angry the other day. A combination of no drugs and a desire to hurt another person by speaking of the past coloured my thoughts. It’s just another way of holding onto the past, looking back when I should be looking forward. I have no desire to hurt anyone and will move on with grace and thoughtfulness, with love and forgiveness. I’m not ready for anything else right now other than my own company and my recovery. I have no place in my heart or life for anyone else until I can be me again. It would be unfair to involve anyone else in my confusion, illness and sense of loss.
I don’t believe in God although I believe there’s life on other planets. It would be foolish to think that out of all the millions of stars out there, there’s not another planet revolving around and around, in its own little universe. I believe in people and the basic goodness in most of them. Some, like me are flawed. I always have the best intentions or make mistakes but frequently take the wrong path and in doing so, I hurt others. Yes there are some horrible people out there, damaged by upbringing, by drink or drugs and trauma but there is always a reason for their behaviour. I always used to think that their bad behaviour was down to me but I now know this is not true. They have their own reasons and they must stand by their decisions. No one forces them.
So I’ve come to realise that some of the terrible decisions I made in the past are down to lots of factors. I am not a bad person but I make mistakes, we all do to a lesser or greater degree.
From now on and into my future I will step back when confronted by anger or fear, hate or bitterness. I will try and understand why they are like that because that was once me
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