Ive discovered that you actually have to work at being happy. After a terrible weekend of self isolation with my mind refusing to switch off I was determined to have a better day. I had spent Saturday writing up a 16 page report, my brain working on a thousand different things at the same time. The Sunday I spent in a complete fugue, staring at the walls and binging season 3 of Goliath (not ideal viewing if youre feeling down) I drank 1/4 whisky to try and help me go to sleep and of course it made me worse. It was very important that I started this week with a positive attitude. It takes a supreme effort to do the simplest of things, but I went out, visited a client, got great feedback from the solicitors Im helping out and got to play football again. Most importantly of all I spoke to my mum for a few hours about everything. I said more to her then than I have in my whole lifetime.
I need to be forgiven for so much I have done in my life and its never too late to ask for that forgiveness and accept it. Some people that I crave forgiveness from are no longer alive or indeed part of my life so I will have to accept that. Anyway yesterday was a good day and I have to make sure that today is the same. I have a behavioural therapist coming to see me at 2 today which will be interesting! Do they sit there thinking 'What a loser' ? Do they sit there sketching nude women on their large notepad?
Still here? Good! There is no plan for this blog other than to keep writing when I need to , when the thoughts wont shut off. I think of my suicide as the top of a triangle, the apogee of all that went wrong, the climatic ending credits of my life! So tonight I plan to start at the top and actually describe the event if I can and over the coming weeks and months work my way down to the bottom! Like I have said elsewhere it will be difficult to write but It needs to be said. I suppose Im writing this for my children because trying to explain all this over a kitchen table isnt enough. There needs to be a record for me, my kids my family and friends, something that is set in stone so that everyone can remember the mechanics and the emotions behind what I nearly did.
Thanks to subscribing! Its linked to my insta account and I havent worked out how to get rid of all the pictures of bloody Negan!
Nice to hear my ramblings are helping others!
You are doing great Doug. It takes time but by going slow you figure out in your life what some of the problems are. Big hugs
One day at a time, the bottom might seem like a long way off but with each breath you will reach there.
Good to read you are having a better time.
The thought of a therapist sitting drawing nudes while you are saying/doing what you need to do made me laugh and promoted an interesting picture in my mind!
Also, you’ve encouraged me to create a blog/website for my poetry and photography which I’m enjoying although it’s frustrating. So thanks xx