WAVES

It’s my birthday and I’m at my WAVES class for nutters!

I see my brain as one big black bin….. the ones you stick outside every Wednesday to be picked up and emptied. All of those negative thoughts, those learnt behaviours, aggression, anxiety,depression low self esteem, risky behaviours, addictions. These are the things at the bottom of the bin. They sit there the longest to rot and fester and for the flies to arrive and lay their eggs, to hatch into wriggling burrowing maggots. This festering mess gradually becomes covered in the everyday rubbish of life, bills, work, love. If you don’t deal with the deep down rubbish in the bin, clear it out once a week then the rest of the rubbish gets covered in maggots.

We need to deal with our learnt behaviours. We need to pick and pluck at them until they become severed and removed from our brain. This is of course not easy. It’s what I’m learning to do at the moment in my WAVES course. Why is it called WAVES I hear you ask? Because having EUPD is like living on a stormy sea. One moment you are in the lee of the storm, gently riding at the bottom of a wave, you are considered normal. The next you are deep beneath the sea, gulping for air, kicking for the surface but getting nowhere. And then you are at the crest of a high crashing foaming wave. Should you be here? You feel great, too good and then the stomach churning drop to the bottom again. And so it continues over and over again.

It’s extremely tiring living your life like this, I’ve been doing it for 40 years. 40 years of learnt behaviours that I have to try and unlearn. I’m winning! I’m on the course which is a start! I’m determined to get better and master my illness not become it’s slave. There are moments when I crash, this is to be expected but to the people around you it can be upsetting and confusing. It’s why I’m single!

Today I’ve learnt about reframing so there’s hope yet!