The Start

I had a busy day yesterday. I went to see my sister and went for a lovely walk around Needham Market Lakes. She needs help as well so I hope we can get better together. I’m determined to be a better brother to her than I have in the past. I saw my niece and nephew for the first time in months. They are wonderful kids and as I left they both said ‘We love you Doug!‘ Again I must be a better Uncle to them all.

I went to football where I did 30 minutes of fitness and stretching and then a 45 minute game of 2 touch 5 a side. It was tough going but my fitness is slowly returning and also my sense of humour. I found myself cracking jokes when in the past I had been silent.

In total I did over 10000 steps and spent 4.5 hours exercising including weights and sit ups etc. I burnt off 1700 calories when I’m eating about 1500 so I’m in deficit!

The only thing that felt strange and sad was that I couldn’t tell her how I got on or how many goals I scored (3!) She won’t nag me to put my ankle on ice or tell me ‘Well done!’

I know in time this will pass and I will be able to anything without being triggered. At the moment I am surrounded by triggers..... the whole town, places we visited, trains, my car, crazy golf, my flat, music, films..... everything!

For the first time in my life I can feel I am changing. It feels like I am being released from something and my soul seems lighter and less dark. I’m not fooling myself, there’s a long way to go, but I am definitely getting better. I have got better many times before, whether it’s recovering from a physical or mental illness. But this is different, I am slowly becoming the person I was meant to be. It’s exciting but at the same time a bit daunting. I am

leaving the old me behind and it’s difficult too say goodbye even though I dislike him immensely. I am now worried that if people see the beginnings of a new me they may smile at me and turn away, swirling their finger around their head and mouthing to their mates ‘Who is this? He must be having a turn!’

I know that I have to leave all of my old friends behind as well as the love of my life. Self loathing, low self esteem depression and physical illness I will

leave behind, lying strewn by the roadside like rotting rubbish. I know that the road ahead won’t be easy and there will some tough hills to climb. I may take a wrong turn here or there, but if I keep doing my best and keep walking I will reach my destination.

I hope you all have a beautiful day!