The Narc at last!

I have thought long and hard about writing this believe me. It’s taken nearly 3 years to decide on telling the truth to those that need to hear it and a warning to those that find themselves in a similar situation. The catalyst? A recent email from one of her many supporters stating that the truth hurts. They do say that history is written by the victor. I suppose in a way I have ended up the winner although it was never my intention to pit myself against anyone else. I have decided it is now the right time to write about my previous relationship, to put down on paper how I found myself hanging by an electrical cord. To explain the fall out from that relationship and to perhaps warn others about the dangers of falling in love with a narcissist. To perhaps explain the complete infatuation I was held in over 18 months you need to know how a narcissist operates and to also realise that there is absolutely no cure for them.

The narcissist

The narcissist is an empty vessel. They are devoid of all the normal emotions you and I take for granted. They have no empathy and don’t know real passion or love. They are emotional parasites, fixating on people that have all the qualities they so obviously lack. They are vampires, sucking all the goodness out until there is nothing left but an empty husk. Once their supply is finished they move on to their next victim. They are constantly on the look out for real emotions to fill their empty lives. They are insatiable and will never be fulfilled. They are not real people. Every other person is there to serve them, to supply them with what they crave above all else, humanity.

How on Earth did I get involved with such a monster? I consider myself a very intelligent person who can read people extremely well. This time however I allowed myself to be fooled by an expert. The narcissist has a set of rules, a guidebook to ensnare the unwary.

Love bombing

Like its name suggests, love bombing is a form of psychological manipulation that involves intense displays of affection and attention towards someone, generally at the beginning of a relationship, with a view to influence them and create emotional dependency. This toxic courtship can be identified from the constant and dramatic declarations of love, emphasis on the exclusive nature of the relationship and being obsessed with the other person and their needs. Unlike healthy and genuine proofs of love, love bombing stems from a self centred and anxious quest that is ultimately about the ego boost.

For me as a 50 year old man it was very flattering being loved by a woman 17 years my junior. She was beautiful and intelligent and funny and extremely attentive. I was completely and utterly under her spell. It was a sickness. There were small moments of disquiet here and there but I put that down to just being in a normal relationship.

Gaslighting

Formed by a series of subtle manipulations, gaslighting is practiced for a specific purpose: driving someone insane. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband uses trickery to convince his wife that she is mentally unwell so he can steal from her. Nowadays, the term describes attempts to make a person question their reality, themselves and their perception of things. The person is isolated, cut off from their social circles, made less and less autonomous and ultimately made to question their own actions and wonder if things they did or saw only happened in their head.

As the relationship moved on those moments of disquiet increased. There was always a problem when we went out. I was constantly on the back foot. I began to question my very being. Was I going mad? Had I done something wrong? Was I really at fault all the time? I had always done something wrong. Her smile now seemed to be turned off and on by a switch. She had begun to devalue me in order to move on to her next supply. I can read people extremely well and the engagement ring I had for 12 months stayed in my pocket.

I had planned to ask her to marry me when we went on holiday in May. Everything was great for one entire day. She’d bought a bottle of gin and proceeded to drink it all whilst we were at her parents cottage for a barbecue. Once we were on our own she turned to me and began to verbally abuse me. I was in shock, I had no idea where this had come from. I stood up, thanked her parents and brother for their hospitality and left to go back to our cottage with the intention of packing my bags and leaving for home. Unfortunately, 2 minutes later she crashed through the door and immediately began to attack me. I have only ever been in 2 fights in my entire life ( none of my making) and to be punched by a woman was a complete and utter shock. She attacked me for 40 minutes and wouldn’t allow me to leave. She continued to punch and kick me until I grabbed hold of her to stop her. She had broken my glasses, cut my nose and cut and bruised my shins. Even in shock and having some idea of the sort of person she was I began to film her. I had the horrible feeling that she’d turn this all around and say I’d attacked her and report me to the police. I wasn’t disappointed in this thought as things transpired. She grabbed my new £800 phone and threw it against the wall smashing it completely. Luckily I’d filmed enough of her attack. She eventually collapsed on a chair and I left. I was 4 hours away from home and I did it in one hit. Completely shocked lost and bewildered. I had never come across such primeval rage and hatred as I had that day.

Why the fuck I got involved with her again I’ll never know. After a few weeks we made it up but everything had changed. I still loved her deeply but I now knew what she was capable of and I was frightened what she’d do every time I saw her drink. I tried to address the drinking but she didn’t want to know. I did some stupid things and messaged two ex girlfriends. The relationship began to change. In October I lost my job and in January I lost my father. Lockdown happened and being clinically at risk I had to self isolate. I grew depressed and increasingly ill and fat. I didn’t see anyone for 3 months, locked away in a small flat. I became very ill and the borderline personality disorder that I was diagnosed with months later kicked in. Panic and anxiety attacks completely changed who I was and I ended up in a special unit on suicide watch. I didn’t want her to see me in such a weakened state so never allowed her to come and see me.

The end of first lockdown and we planned to spend 9 days together in May. Right from the start it wasn’t right and even though I had the engagement ring in my pocket I decided I wasn’t going to ask her even though she had constantly reminded me to. I had a moment of clarity when I looked at her and thought ‘you’re not a very nice person’. It was a horrible realisation and I was so fucked up. I loved her desperately but I didn’t like her. I withdrew from her over the 9 days. I tried to tell her I was ill and the last words we spoke to each other went like this…..‘I’m not dealing with the death of my father very well’…. Her reply ‘I suppose a fuck is out of the question?’ I decided that would be it and I left at 4 the next morning never to see her again.

We exchanged a few texts after I got home and on my birthday she texted me to say she’d already found someone else to fuck into oblivion. I was still madly in love with her and yet I was so ill and confused that I didn’t really know what I was doing. She wouldn’t answer phone calls or letters and I grew increasingly desperate. Most of you know what happened next. I wrote some final

message to her saying I couldn’t live without her and then tried to turn myself off.

She knew that I had tried to kill

myself and did nothing. She didn’t even contact my mum or children to find out what had happened. Once I was out of hospital I still tried to contact her. I had a phone call from the police and I knew exactly what she had told them. That I was violent dangerous and had beaten her up in the past. They wanted to interview me but I refused to go to the station! And that was it or so I thought until out of the blue she phoned me one night last year, almost to the day I walked out on her. She was unsurprisingly drunk but sober enough to ask me this very telling question ‘Am I a monster?’ Further emails explained that the person who replaced me was unsurprisingly violent and had beaten her up and smashed her flat up on numerous occasions. I didn’t believe this for a moment and this further convinced me that she had said exactly the same thing about me to her family, her friends and the police. And you know what is frightening? That I still loved her and would’ve got in my car and rescued her! The final email kindly informed me that she never loved me and that it was a toxic relationship anyway!

I feel deeply sorry for her. There were flashes of genuine love and enjoyment at times but in her own words it was all a lie right from the start. Some of you may see a woman scorned but I don’t think I’ve explained clearly how ill she made me feel by the silences, what she said to me, how insecure and unsure she made me. Some of you may applaud her as a modern woman, knowing her own mind but none of you will know what it’s like for a relationship to drive you to end your life.

I’ve sat on this salutary tale for too long and sat back letting other people think that it was me who was the monster. Enough is enough. I sincerely hope that her friends and supporters read this and begin to question who she really is. I sincerely hope that any of you in a relationship with a narcissist reads this and realises what is happening to you. Remember this. There is no cure for a narcissist. They will always crave attention. Their ego needs to be constantly fed at the expense of your sanity. Do not stay. Get out as quick as you can and get help.

Some of you may say that writing this is unfair and that she has no right of reply. But then I haven’t been able to tell the truth to her family or friends either.

Finally. I have written 35,000 words over 3 years to try and explain to myself what happened in those crazy 2 years. I still haven’t really found an answer.