The Creeping Terror

Ive been awake since 3 this morning. Ive said a last goodbye to someone and asked for forgiveness from others. Day 7 or 8 without food and it is beginning to affect me. Very tired and dizzy but very little sleep again. The repair to my root canal 18 months ago fell out the other day. I am left with jagged bits of teeth stuck in my gum which is most unpleasant, although it would be worse if I was eating. I was meant to go and visit a client yesterday but couldnt face acting in front of them so worked from home. The incessant rain is driving me even madder than I already think I am and makes it difficult to concentrate on the small amount of work I have left to do. I had all good intentions to go out and exercise but tiredness and anxiety is terrible. I did manage to get out and buy a few things but the panic I felt when I was at the top of my stairs was ridiculous. Lets hope the professionals can help me! The doctors are going to look into the 'small anomaly' over the right side of my brain and Im hopefully going to be allowed a few sleeping pills to help me get back into a proper sleep pattern again. I tried Nytol last night and it was rubbish!

My bottom has disappeared and my legs are so thin, I can actually get both my hands around the middle of my thighs now, not good. My stomach is stubbornly holding onto me for dear life although its a lot smaller! I got so fat and lazy during lockdown that I had a massive clear out. All of my lovely jackets and suits and shirts and jeans I threw away. Probably hundreds if not thousands of pounds worth of clothes went into the bin. And now after Dougs Drastic Diet plan (the triple D ) they would have all fitted me again. I feel ashamed to say that my waist went up to 41 inches and its down to a 35 36 again. When I was young and fit my waist was always around the 30 32 mark.

I know we all get old and begin to spread. Gravity takes its toll on us older men. Our ears continue to grow as well as our nose. Hair sprouts up where hair shouldnt. Why on earth would I want hair growing out of my ears and nose? Your bollocks will end up so low that they are in danger of being swotted at by a passing cat and your hair starts to thin. Some women may call you a silver fox but all you see is grey. And what the hell are liver spots?

I locked myself down pretty damn early when CV19 hit. I think it was the second week in March. I hadnt long been out of my first stay in the 'special' hotel and hadnt taken the help that was offered. So I retreated from the world, already in the grip of depression. I was like Gollum sliding down into the depths beneath The Misty Mountains. Where Gollum dined on small fishes and the odd Goblin I stuffed myself with takeaways and junk food. I made bread and butter pudding and ate it to myself, but my 'precious' was the amazing Flapjack that I made. I think every slice must have been 1000 cals and it was none of your crumbly rubbish....proper Scottish flapjack that had those wonderful chewy edges......Large bars of chocolate and my particular drug of choice peanut M&Ms followed on from the flapjack diet!

So my eating habits went to pot as did the lack of exercise. I had been getting out and doing my bit to keep the doctors away, but the last time I exercised was the 2nd or 3rd week in January. Poor diet and no exercise had made a huge impact on me. I was too scared to go out. After my near death experience of three years ago I didnt want to go through that again. After weeks of staying in I did go out for a walk around the block but scuttled back to the flat and stayed there until the beginning of May. Terrible isnt it but there you are.

The affects of this pandemic have been catastrophic, both on a global and personal scale. I very nearly became a statistic. The suicide rate in the UK has risen by 200% during lockdown. Just let that figure settle into your brain for a moment. 200% rise in deaths from suicide and the figure is set to rise when businesses are hit by the double impact of lockdown and the travesty that is Brexit. For me personally it has affected the small amount of clients I had, I lost my girlfriend, my health and my wellbeing. It was my fault to a certain degree but I let lockdown creep up on me. Every day I would say to myself 'Today I must go out and exercise. Today I will start that diet. Today I will get help. Today I will rebuild bridges'. But I didnt. I stuffed myself full of rubbish both physically and mentally. Everything atrophied and I used the excuse of enforced self isolation to hide away from everything. Yet again I 'ran' away and hid from everything to my loss.

But here I still am, thinner and a little bit wiser! I have a plan. I am done with the past and Im off towards who knows what.

As I finish writing this the sun is finally showing its face so lets hope its a great day and the Summer is finally here! The picture shows me at a football tournament last year and the fellow standing next to me is none other than Ipswich Town legend Trevor Whymark. I was playing in goal and only let two in over about 8 games. It was one of those rare days when you are at the absolute top of your game. People were asking who I was and where I had come from. I am very proud to say that Trevor didnt get one past me that day!