The Amazing Disappearing Man!

I said that I would be honest. I cant hide the fact that I am feeling worse. I understand that there will be days where I will feel bad and days where I will feel ok. At the moment the bad days are outweighing the good ones. The sleeping pills are gone and Im now back to sleeping one or two hours a night. I have had 2 meals since I l left the hospital. Since the 12th of June this is what I have eaten;

Bowl of Rice Pudding

2 Doughnuts

Chip Butty

Half a steak

Stir fried Chicken x2

That’s it for 18 days. Ive been having protein shakes so I wont actually starve but I no longer have any appetite. I think I have lost about 2 stone now and I know my face shows it, so does my stomach so there is a small bonus in there! Ive not had anything at all for 5 days and 4 days, just two cans of 7Up a day. Having a healthy diet and a good amount of sleep is absolutely vital for good mental health and Im not getting either now. The lack of sleep is caused by me turning things over in my mind constantly, I cannot switch off the past. The past is why I find myself in this terrible position. I cannot find a way out of it yet. One of the side effects of Vensir is trouble sleeping and the side effects of mirtazapine are anger, suicidal thoughts and weight gain. These are pills that are supposed to make you feel better……I had been taking mirtazapine since early last year. In part I blame some of how I acted and what I did on those serious side effects.

The lack of food is down to two reasons. I don’t want to really eat and I have a very poor body image. I never thought Id ever feel like this being ashamed of how I look. I had let myself go over the past few months in lockdown. Im supposed to be in isolation until August and I hadn’t done anything since the second week in January.

I was already heading towards my suicide attempt after spending a week in another unit at the end of January. I spent February March April and May getting worse and worse. I let my illnesses define me and I let my depression take hold of me again. I became an overweight, morose angry sad man, blaming everyone else but myself. I think I had yet again been self sabotaging my future for the best part of 6 months. That’s something I will have to read up on and try and understand. Although I am still here and have not lost my children friends and family, I have nevertheless lost a future that I very much wanted.

As a child one of the films that had the greatest impact on me was an old Sci Fi film called 'The Incredible Shrinking Man'. Apart from being scared when he has to fight a giant spider for some crumbs of bread just using a pin I was struck by the ending. He has lost everything, his job, his girl and at the end his very existence. He looks up at a ventilation grill he is gone into nothingness. I think he was happy to just finally stop fighting and gently disappear. Incidentally my genuine fear of spiders, in particular house spiders comes from that film Im sure!

On a more positive note the visit from the mental health team went very well. A lot of people are going to become involved in my recovery. I will hopefully have help from Psychiatrists Psychologists and Ive signed up to a wellbeing college. As they were strangers to me I think I spoke solidly for an hour! They were impressed with my ability to express whats happened to me, the early beginnings of understanding and my desire and determination to get better! I may end up working as a Peer Support worker which will give me something to aim for. Even though Im just beginning to understand the mechanics of my illness I am most definitely an expert on what it feels to live almost my entire life with depression.