I said I was taking a sabbatical but I find it very difficult not to write. It’s my release, my way of getting rid of stuff I need to say. I can live in a fantasy world of my own making where anything is possible, where I can talk to those that are no longer part of my life. I can write about mental illness, my family, my suicide attempt, my recovery and anything I want to talk about as long as it makes me feel better. Without writing, without that release, I find myself dipping my toe into the dark waters of depression again.
If you choose to read my blogs then you have to accept that it is generally for my well being that I write and if there is help amongst what I put in here then that is a most welcome bi product. I am still very much recovering from my illness and I’m still very much heartbroken, both things I can deal with, but it takes time. Some of the things I write is overindulgent nonsense and that is why I have deleted a few of my latest ones. They said nothing to you people and good prose and poetry should mean something to most.
Writing for recovery is a ‘thing’ in the world of mental illness although I was writing long before I knew that. I actually started writing the morning after my suicide attempt, a 34 page letter that to anyone that hadnt known what I’d been through would have read as the ravings of a madman. Although at that time I was genuinely mad and in a state of disassociation and possible mania.
If I don’t write I am constantly checking my phone. Scrolling for hours through social media, WhatsApp and email. It’s a soporific exercise, a modern day anaesthetic to dull the pain of not knowing. There are worse things I suppose. I discovered how easy it is to fall in love with alcohol, how little it costs in money to forget for a while. Thankfully I’m over that as I’ve also realised how fat it’s making me! Other people turn to drugs but I tend to self medicate with shopping. I have so many clothes it’s ridiculous. There is the anticipation of buying something, then the search then the purchase. It’s a fleeting sense of joy, as once you have the item you no longer think you need it!
I have come such a long way in 2 years. Ive worked bloody hard to get where I am today and I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved. I have slip ups, I mean I am mental!
WAVES course tomorrow in Bury St Edmunds, which means good coffee and Guinness and chocolate cake!
Your blog has helped a lot of people who are going through have gone through similar experiences.
As you well know, I have shared things from my life to you, in the hope that it helped you to understand that you were not alone on your journey to wellness. Yes, it takes time, but you're getting there, slowly but surely x