Streams

It has been many days since I’ve been here dear reader. All of those jumbled emotions at the start of my journey are slowly falling back into some semblance of order. The fear, the anger and hurt are replaced with realisation forgiveness and hope. One of my friends on Facebook said that one of my blogs read like a stream of consciousness. I have reread all of my posts since I started. From start to finish they all read like a stream. There is never a plan of what I write. I just start at the beginning and finish at the end. My mind wanders from suicide, to love, family, recovery and sometimes humour. Occasionally my words ring true for others and that is what is important. If my children, family friends and strangers get something from my writing then I have a purpose again. I have meaning.

I know I promised not to write about her after my long farewell blog. But I continue to dream about her. I know that one day I’ll be free of the dreams and the memories will fade away, but I need to write until there is nothing left to say. I need to write until I no longer have the vocabulary to express my deep sense of loss. I need to write until I forget what she even looked like.

The words below are another stream of consciousness gathered over days. I make no claims that it is a poem. It has no meter or form, it comes from my heart. It comes from those dreams I continue to have and that I hope will fade in time.

Streams

Last night I dreamt

Of lying down

On a bare hard bed

And every time I breathed

I saw your face

And as I suffocated

Beneath a gossamer thin sheet

You moved further away

Until you disappeared

And my hand was left

Clutching at nothing but air

You came so close

I could almost taste you

And as your silhouette

Faded into the grey

I felt my heart grow smaller

And break

And that once

In a lifetime opportunity

Had gone forever

Just remember

That we walked beside each other

We had the same dreams

That we laughed

And we loved

What do you do

When the only person to get to you

Has gone?