Stand Fast?

Its raining again and its still a lonely sound. When she was here the rain against the windows and roof was comforting. Another reason why I must get out of here as soon as possible.

I am still not eating. This is day 6 with no food apart from protein shakes. I cooked the other day and tried to eat but couldn’t eat. Its becoming a ‘thing’, a problem, even watching people eat on the tv makes me feel nauseous. I have lost about 13 kgs since I left the hospital on the 16th June. I never knew that there was such a thing as eating disorders in older men but apparently there is and it’s a growing problem. My reasons are odd I know. Ive gone so long without food that I am no longer hungry. If I eat I think Im letting myself down. I am pleased that I am losing so much weight although I am aware that it is doing me more harm than good. I am lifting weights and doing press ups and sit ups with absolutely no carbs in me, it is very tiring. I have sometimes thought that I am trying to disappear, that I am committing suicide and disguising it with starvation. I am also not sleeping very well either. I am not having good or bad days either. Im having a few good hours punctuated by anxiety / panic attacks. Constant thoughts race through my head and only stop when Im writing. The nights are the worst. It really is a true battle of wills. One moment I am confident and determined, the next a complete wreck. I feel as if I am on the precipice, carefully balanced not knowing which way I will fall.

So what do I do? I had another visit from the community health person today. She is very nice and listens to me ramble on about everything. I am very concerned about the amount of anger inside me that bursts out at the most inappropriate times and often at complete strangers. I am wondering whether it is more than depression and PTSD that causes these episodes. The support worker is getting the Psychiatrist and Psychologist involved as well as looking at the meds I am on. It is a frightening thought that I may actually be going mad. I have thought of reasons of where this anger and rage comes from and although I always had a temper it was always under control. I always won over people with wit and words never resorting to swearing and shouting.

In March 2016 I left the civil service after 7 years. I went back into the private sector and found a great job with good money and a company car. In May I suffered a very strange fit. I was watching tv and then all of a sudden a load of pictures from my entire life hammered through my head. It was like seeing my life in one of those old Victorian zoetropes. I got up to try and clear my head and the next thing I know I was waking up slumped across my coffee table. I was only unconscious for about 2 minutes as I remember looking at the clock when I went and when I woke up. For some ridiculous reason I didn’t phone anyone and it wasn’t until about 5 days later I told someone about it who advised that Id better go to the doctors. It was too late to take any bloods but I went for a scan and it picked up a small anomaly on the right side of my brain. I lost my job over it as I didn’t want to drive. Did I have a mini stroke? Who knows but I often wonder if something happened to me that night. I also tried to link my anger with the meds I have been taking and unfortunately if Im honest with myself I cant, although I am positive they do not help. I started my own consultancy business and was doing quite well and building up my clients when in May of 2017 I suffered the type 2 respiratory failure. I had to start from scratch again but I wasn’t the same and my physical and mental health plummeted.

So Im waiting to be steered in the right direction by experts. Im reading books and trying to be mindful. Im thinking of how I can go forward and leave all of this mess behind and become the other nicer person I used to be. I am tired. I am scared. I am alone (my own depressed choice). I keep telling myself that it is only 26 days since the event, but I am impatient and want to move forward a lot quicker than I am. I am surviving on protein shakes and pills and I know I need to do better soon. Sorry this isn’t an uplifting blog but I told you I would be honest.