Despite my very low mood and the return of my illness I still got up at 5.30 and went to work for a couple of hours. Despite the torrential rain and wind I have gone for my customary walk, although I am now soaking wet and freezing cold. It feels good to be so, to feel uncomfortable, knowing that I can go back to a warm room, albeit empty of human contact.
This week has been challenging. I have come to a lot of conclusions and none of them positive, at least in the present moment. Two of them are too painful to continue to write about. What I can say is that I will never be in a relationship ever again, and will probably remain celibate for the rest of my life. I could try and go gay. Indeed I have tried in the past but the numerous trips to the opticians for watering eyes got too expensive.....
On my walks I see men not much older than me and I wonder if they are also now alone? Did they miss their big chance for a happy ever after, or where they brave enough to take a chance? I have never been a physical coward but I wonder if I’m a moral one? I have spent my life running away from myself. I have spent my life running away when confronted with other people’s emotions and problems. I sought solace not in drink or drugs but by seeking affirmation and affection in someone else’s arms. This to the obvious detriment to whoever was my partner at the time. It lessened me as a man, a husband and a father. It was never about sex but approval. I was trying to find answers elsewhere, when they were right in front of me if only I had stopped running.
I have left a trail of destruction behind me and I’m only ever satisfied when I make people hate me. It justifies my behaviour. I have always felt that I never deserved happiness, and when I found it, destroyed it. I sabotaged my well-being and the well-being of those around me. It’s something I don’t think I will ever understand. Why would a sane man push away those that love him. Why would I ruin everything when I had it all? Maybe one day I’ll find out but it’s all too late for me.
My walk took me through the cemetery as it always does. It looks so different now that the skies are grey. Leafs litter the ground, a signpost to the winter that’s to come. Even the ancient yew tree looks weighed down by the weather. It’s still a nice place to come to though. No one hardly ever walks through there and it is still a peaceful place.
We are on this planet for a brief time. A mere millionth of a second in the 24 hours of the universe. I have thrown away so many chances that I don’t think any more will come my way. I have three wonderful children and I’m still alive but I am missing something and I’m missing someone. I cannot risk it all going wrong again, so for me it’s the life of celibacy and singledom.
In other news. I still continue to play football. It’s one of the few hobbies that I have left. I scored 5 of our 7 goals on Thursday and think I’ve slightly torn my calf muscle. I love playing. It’s a social thing as well where we have a cup of tea and biscuits after the game! So very English isn’t it. Hopefully I’ll be playing three times a week soon so it will take the place of some of my walks. I had my haircut and my beard trimmed last week. Still unsure of whether I like either and I’m very tempted to do a Britney Spears and shave the whole lot off. It’s a way of changing yourself from what you were. It’s the same with not eating, it’s one of the few things you can still control. I watched Renee Zellweger in Judy last night and was completely blown away by her performance. I thought she was lip syncing but no, she actually sounds like her. I don’t mind admitting crying at the end. This quote is beautiful…..
‘This next one, it isn't a song about getting anywhere. It's about... walking toward somewhere that you've dreamed of. And maybe, maybe the walk... is every day of your life. And the walking has to be enough. It's about hope. And we all need that’
All wrapped up and ready for the coming storm! Have a great weekend everyone.
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