I have been sabotaging my own life for a very long time. I always knew this but didn’t have any way of understanding why I was doing it and how I could stop it. I am learning all the time. My last relationship broke up because I didn’t know how to stop this spiral of damage that I was carrying out to myself and to all those around me. Underpinning the act of self-sabotage is being unmindful of your behaviour. Everything you say or do not say, everything you do or do not do affects those around you. Where a kind word of encouragement or a question answered would show communication, there is only silence. You cannot separate past from present and you fail to talk to your partner about what you are feeling and experiencing. What you give in a relationship you get back. In my case, what could have turned into a lifelong partnership fizzled out over a few sad and angry text messages from both of us.
I allowed myself to dwell on my past and therefore ruin my future. Rather than concentrate on the present and grab the opportunity to grow, I hung onto the mistakes that I had made in the past. I have done this with my first wife and three other beautiful kind caring women that I was lucky enough to share my life with albeit too briefly. All most people want is to be in a normal relationship and be happy and to love and be loved in return. For reasons as yet unknown to me, once I am in that happy place, I want to escape. I know depression is a huge part of my problem and also my illnesses. I dwelt on my own problems rather than sharing them, and in turn never asked them to share their problems. I think that as a self sabotaging depressed chronically ill man you forget about mindfulness! You begin to look inwards and the only company you prefer is your own. There is nothing worse than wanting to be loved but at the same time wanting to be left alone. There is nothing worse than to be sat there wanting a hug and then when you receive it, wanting to be let go. There is nothing worse for your partner than to try and comfort you and then getting pushed away. It’s a terrible way to live a life, with your future being affected by the past. Why don’t I ever look forward rather than over my shoulder? You begin to be considered a bit of a cold fish even amongst your friends. People you have just met begin to think that you are morose and quiet or think that you are above them for some reason because you find it difficult to be amongst strangers. This is again desperately sad and so frustrating. The old you, the person inside, wants to scream out ‘Im here you stupid bastard! Let me the fuck out and play for once!’ But you tell him to shut up as he has been long forgotten about. You don’t know how to play anymore and its easier to be alone than let this stranger out. He may become more popular than you and your old self, the sad depressed angry man will end up trapped and forgotten about. R.L Stevenson knew what he was writing about in The Strange Case of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. It is the study of duality, the conflict with good and evil, a story of inner conflict. The Victorians saw his novella as the division between classes and the need to act according to that class.
Maybe I do let the old me come out sometimes. I play many characters, not only pretending to be very self confident and assured when I am with clients but also when I used to do reenactment and street theatre. My alter egos range from the firm but fair Sgt Grant of E Division Metropolitan Police. Sgt Grant sometimes turns a blind eye to minor crimes as long as he gets 'looked after'. This may be in the way of a few shillings, or a few free pints. Tall strong and confident, people notice when he is on his beat and his deep voice has either a calming influence or takes command. The people on his beat, the petty criminals, the landlords and beggars and the street walkers and traders all respect Sgt Grant. Thats one part of me, of who I want to be. At the bottom of the heap both in terms of class and morality lies Mr Nudge Quinningly. I love Nudge and I think the people that meet him do too. Its a case of a good man gone bad. Hes not vicious or violent but just a loveable idiot, or as it was termed in those days an irascible rogue. Nudge isnt a very good criminal. He looks up to the likes of Bill Sykes and his good mates Beefy and Roger the Dodger. He has spent more time in jail than anyone in the whole of England and is proud of the fact that he still has three of his own teeth. I adore Nudge, he doesnt care what people think of him and is known to get up on tables and sing a song or two or hide in toilets and bins to scare people just for a jolly.
Then there is Captain Grant. Hes a rarely seen character and although not a favourite of mine he is fun to play. Hes a mix of Dick Dastardly and Terry Thomas and is a complete slimeball! He was cashiered out of the cavalry for 'borrowing' some mess silver. Permanently broke he is always trying to sell dodgy shares and can be often heard asking for the loan of a few pounds until his inheritance comes through. Capt Grants real speciality is marrying rich old widows, who then sadly die under mysterious poisoned hot cocoa incidents. Theres quite a few others ranging from the confident to the dimmest of characters and everything in between. Then of course there is Negan but thats another blog for another time. I am all of these people or some of these people I want to be. I want the confidence of Sgt Grant, the simple minded humour of Nudge Quinningly and the charm of Capt Grant. All of the costumes are too small to fit in nowadays and they gather dust hanging on a rail. I wish I could let all of these out to play at the same time. I would be a lot happier I think and so would everyone else.
Nudge and Beefy. Seven Dials Rapscallions.
I have only just realised that being in a relationship actually takes a lot of work. I know the reason I have failed in my relationships is that I didnt realise that a lot sooner. Going back to the self sabotage, being in a healthy relationship means you communicate with each other. That takes work, you have to ask questions and really listen to the answers. Its no good settling back and letting things happen to you, you must make things happen. At the grand old age of 53 I have learnt my lesson maybe a little too late. That’s not to say I will never try again. However, until I have discovered the secret of not replaying my past I will remain one of those odd older bachelors! I will celebrate the future rather than dwell on the past and let the old me out again!
The firm but fair Sgt Grant of E Division.
If you find talking about “stuff” difficult it is very hard to change but you are doing it to an extent via these posts as I do via poetry.
To talk to a loved one for me is often like trying to lift a mountain single handed but sometimes I do achieve it. I find one of the hardest times is when I have someone in front of me virtually pleading with me to talk and tell them how I feel but however hard I try nothing will come out, I tell myself to say something but it just doesn’t happen! I’m not exactly sure why. When I was little my Mum used to have to make me cr…