Rubbish!

I’m lying down on my sofa thinking this blog has almost run its course. Its been a record of my illness and recovery. It’s been funny it’s been serious. I’ve written about my family, relationships and the loss of my father. Ive written about my daughters illness, parts of my life that have made me who I am today. I’ve thanked people for their help keeping me alive. I haven’t thanked other people enough. I’ve spoken about forgiveness, anger confusion and love and hate.

I’ve written some prose and poetry. It’s helped me immensely to recover. I haven’t told the whole truth your worship. I can’t, it’s unfair. At times my blog reads like one big bit of prose. Sometimes there’s hard painful truth and at others pure fantasy. Both aspects have helped me recover. Living in a world that isn’t true, a world that I want it to be has helped me deal with illness and loss. The truth I hope, has helped others that travel the same road as me. Writing this blog as a novel has pushed me as a writer. I have rediscovered my love of language, I’ve enjoyed entertaining myself and others. My blog, like I said at the start all those years ago has also been one long love letter. I never hid that fact. Sometimes my writing can be overindulgent rubbish, at other times searingly honest. My blog is very much like me. It’s a glorious mix of hidden truths, drama, comedy, tragedy and wit! When I start to write, my thoughts become clearer, all that mess flying around in my head seems to calm down once it’s written down.

At times my writing has been a work of fiction, of fantasy, a forlorn hope. This is one way I have coped with dealing with loss. I have kept hope alive when there is none, I have looked for love when it is there no more. I suppose the very fact that I can write this blog is proof of the fact that I am getting better and writing has helped!

I have hurt other people in my writings. I have not fully and truthfully acknowledged their efforts in saving my life and keeping me going through the darkest of times. Without their help I would not be here writing about anything! When I was at my absolute lowest, K kept me going, kept me safe, made sure I took my pills and fed me when all I wanted to do was die. All this for nothing in return. My best friend showed me humility, giving everything for nothing. I will never be able to repay her. I can give her nothing but my friendship whilst I continue on my journey.

Is this blog a work of fiction? Snakes and ladders! Mirrors! I think by writing I have seen myself more truthfully, albeit in a fictional setting. Have I only told you what I want you to see? Have I told you everything about me? No I haven’t. I’ve been selective in what I choose to tell you. I want to be liked, loved and admired, not hated pitied and laughed at. There are things I cannot write about. There are things I may put down in the future. I don’t know how many thousands of words I have written but I sincerely hope that a few of them have helped you, entertained you and perhaps signposted your to places that can help you further.

I don’t think I can write much more. What more is there to say? I’m not reaching the end of the road but I’m reaching the end of this particular journey. I’m at a crossroads I suppose. To the left there is regression leading to illness and 20 years of suicidal ideation, depression and mental illness. To the right continued recovery, new discoveries and a new life. It’s easy to take the dark route you are familiar with. It takes courage and determination to travel down a road that is strange and new but also exciting. I’m going to the right, taking me away from that crossroads to new experiences.

No Wetherspoons today! I realised that I could quite easily fall into the trap of going up there every day and self medicating on alcohol which is so dangerously cheap. Instead I’ll get my calories from relatively harmless caffeine! I’ve had three days of cheating and I’ve just eaten a whole packet of cookies. I’m feeling bloated but content. Fawlty Towers on the tv, tin of pop and alls right with the world! I still have no car and I’ve been using the train to get about! It’s quite nice….. no worries about parking or traffic jams and they all run on time! No film or tv work so times are hard! No hot water, one light bulb and beans on toast or chilli for tea. We all must make sacrifices but I will never give up my COFFEEEEEE!! Tomorrow is Monday. Make the most of a new week. Make things happen. Be brave, forthright, determined and take a chance. You never know what will happen!