Roundabouts

I am trying to remember what has happened to me in the past so I can do something about my future. I am sure this will all become clearer as I get professional help. I have signed up to a ‘college’ where I will be taking classes (online atm) in PTSD, Wellbeing and Relationships and CHIME ( Connectedness, Hope and Optimism, Identity Meaning and Empowerment). I used to see all of these as just buzzwords with little meaning, but there is a structure there that I need to learn and follow.

So I don’t get confused and lost in my own timeline Im going to list the episodes in my life that have had an impact on me. I will not go into my childhood at this stage!

1. Car accident

2. Horse accident Lung

3. Death of my grandfather

4. Horse accident Back

5. Back injury on exercise

6. My daughters illness

7. Relationship break up

8. Possible mini stroke

9. Type 2 Respiratory Failure

10. Death of my Father

11. Planning suicide, short stay in Southgate Ward

12. Self isolation CV19

13. Relationship break up

14. Suicide attempt

15. Short stay in Poppy Ward.

16. Recovery?

There is of course a lot of other stuff that has gone on in between. My working life has always been affected by those early injuries and there were times when I was off week for months. I went from one low paid unskilled job to another. It would be easy to read into my story that I was a victim and never fought back, but nothing could be further from the truth. Despite my injuries and ill health, despite my mental problems, I have always tried to do my best. As I mentioned in another blog every time you get hit with something else you never quite get back to the old you. Of course, you fight but somehow there is less of you. The real you gets buried beneath the illnesses and injuries and then your mental health suffers and so begins a vicious roundabout ride.

It’s a very difficult ride to get off from. You keep spinning around and around in pain and self doubt and illness. There is no doubt that the change is immense. You are not the only one affected, in the wake of this horrible carousel is left the remains of relationships. Relationships with your children and family and relationships with partners.

Rather than confronting my mental health problems many years ago, I have spent my entire life running away from them, leaving a trail of sadness and confusion and loss behind me. Its easier to run away but Ive come to the realisation that Ive been running for far too long. It is time, albeit rather late in the day, that I turn around and face all of the things that have been chasing me all these years. There are many aspects of my mind that have been affected by my life, but the overriding sense is one of self doubt and crushing low self esteem. Once I find I am happy I think that I don’t deserve it and go on a self sabotaging mission to ruin everything. Unhappiness has been my natural state for many years so why go on changing it? When you find someone that makes you feel happy and content, you end up pushing them away as you think you don’t deserve it. I have done this to four women in my life and Ive damaged them with my selfishness confusion and unmindfullness. I have done the same to my own children and my immediate family. There are a lot of people that I need to ask for forgiveness from. I think that I am a good man that has done some bad things, not out of malice or hate but because of bad luck and a rough ride through life. I am angry not at anyone else, I am angry at myself. When I lash out at the world its myself Im shouting at. Ultimately my anger damages those around me and in turn makes me a lesser person. If I don’t do something about all of this I will end up on that roundabout again and that’s a ride I want to get off permanently.