I am slowly returning to the outside world after months of doing nothing but eat and sink deeper and deeper into depression and illness. I spent three hours with my sister and we said more to each other in those few hours than in the last 15 years. I have been a closed book, wanting to be read for so long but not knowing how to turn the pages. I am sorry that I haven’t been a very good brother to her. I am sorry for not being a good son or a good father or husband. I am sorry for not being a good partner or a good friend.
There comes a point when you have a choice. You either drop off into the void or you stand up and fight. There is of course the help and support from community health teams and the drugs ( side effects notwithstanding). However, you need to want to be helped. You need to shrug off the past and embrace the moment and be mindful of everything around you.
We are not meant to live a life of misery and fear. We are all born beautiful hopeful people and we should try and live beautiful lives, for others and ourselves. Life will knock you down and your heart may be ripped in two but you keep getting up and keep trying to live a beautiful mindful worthwhile life.
A beautiful butterfly was trapped in my flat a few moments ago. It was battering itself to death and leaving its shiny dust all
over the windowpane. I could have left it there and let it find it’s own way out, damaged but alive, or I could gently pick it up and help it to an open window. The sheer joy of watching it fly away made me cry a bit! My point is to try and make someone’s day better. A smile, a kind word or gesture can mean so much and it takes so little to do. I have just had a ‘moment’! I can actually feel myself changing. I can’t explain it atm but I am different, I’m going in the right direction.
I’ve had a lot of messages from people over the past few weeks. I am no expert in the human condition but if you ever feel like doing what I tried to do get help fast!!! The Samaritans are on 116123. Or if you like message me. Whatever you do talk to someone!! I hope everyone has a brilliant week.
No but if I ever feel like doing something stupid I would phone my children first. To those that haven’t got the support the Samaritans are great.
Have you called the Samaritans in all this? And was it useful for you? I have considered it but I wonder how much use it will be to bang on to some volunteer about the failures of my government scaring the bejesus out of me