I’ve been feeling low of late. Change of meds and a sad realisation have dropped my mood somewhat. I spent 3 days on the couch undressed and doing nothing so it took some effort to get out and go to my WAVES course. Today we spoke about being assertive. To some it comes quite naturally,to others like me it takes a large degree of acting to be that confident to express your feelings. We are all as English people, guilty of being rather passive / aggressive. You know…. You’ve gone to a restaurant recommended by a friend. It looks great but the food is mediocre at best. At the end of the meal the waiter asks if everything was ok and you all say ‘Oh it was wonderful Thankyou!’ As soon as your outside you turn to each other and say ‘That was fucking awful, never going there again!’
A lot of you may disagree and are able to politely but firmly put your point across. ‘Well, actually the food wasn’t as good as we were expecting…. The steak was a bit tough, the onion rings were soggy and the spotted dick was lacking in currents’. Well that’s great! For me it’s about trying to regulate emotions. What should be a simple quiet word with the waiter may turn into a riot with gravy and garlic bread flying throughout the restaurant. One of the problems with EUPD is emotions and the appropriate response to an everyday problem. I have spent so long hiding behind a false façade that I don’t really know who I am. This is a problem! There are times when the appropriate response is as lost as you are. The small inner child reappears and all confidence is gone. No one is listening to you and the only way to be heard is to shout and scream. As an adult this is frightening both for the person on the other end and for me. There are times when I have lost control at complete strangers. A part of me looks down at this monster and doesn’t recognise who I am. This need to assert myself, to be heard, to be recognised is overwhelming and supersedes all other thought.
I sound like a serial killer!! I don’t keep heads in my fridge or bodies in the cupboard ( I don’t have room!) It’s under control now with drugs and a greater awareness of why I have this anger, but it still takes a conscious effort to do ‘adulting’.
WAVES is great and I thoroughly recommend any form of CBT / DBT. I’m not saying it’s a comfortable process. Stripping away layer upon layer of protective barrier built up over many years is painful and at times very uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to pick at the scab to get at the infection!! Ewwwwww! Those barriers are gradually falling away. I’m discovering what lies beneath, understanding different layers, different areas of damage that need repairing. I suppose the aim is to end up with no layers left. What remains is who you are, who you should’ve been from the start.
Finally a tiny kind of ‘poem’ written as soon as it came into my head.
Hello, can you stop a while?
Help me swop this bag of bones
For something more substantial?
An answer, a simple word
Arched eyebrow and puff of exasperation
To a question
That I longed to ask
Comentarios