Oceans of Time

I wanted to play Dracula because I wanted to say: 'I've crossed oceans of time to find you.' It was worth playing the role just to say that line.

Gary Oldman

I don’t think I will ever be able to watch that film again. Although I hadn’t crossed oceans of time to meet R, I certainly had waited most of my life for her. Will I ever get over losing her? I never will, even now writing this I am crying. She was my one true love but it wasn’t meant to be. I think we met each other when we were both going through our own crisis and were unable to voice what we were experiencing. She told me nearly every day that she loved me more than I’ll ever know.

I miss everything about her but what I miss the most is just being able to talk to her, to message her or our zoom meetings where we would kiss the camera as a goodbye….. really silly soppy stuff but it’s sorely missed right now.

I continue to have vivid dreams where she is still present and try as I might I cannot stop thinking about her. It has been 5.5 months since I saw her last and 5 months since the relationship ended. I thought time would begin to heal the huge wounds in my heart but at this present time it’s as painful now as it was on the 25th of May.

Halloween is a difficult time. The film A nightmare before xmas was her favourite film and we actually dressed as Jack and Sally last year. It was great fun painting her blue and she was an amazing Sally. The tag line for the film is ‘it was simply meant to be’. I have a wonderful photograph of us together where we have both just kissed and we are both covered in blue body paint. We are laughing and smiling and again as I write this is I’m crying whilst sat in Stowmarket costa.

I often wonder if R is in as much pain as I am in or has she forgotten everything about me. A part of me hopes that it still hurts her that we are no longer together and another part of me wishes nothing but joy for her future.

I have never written about any other woman like I have here. No other woman has affected me so deeply that my very soul aches in longing and my heart continues to break. I can see now why it is so very important to leave on good terms and to say goodbye properly. I don’t believe that she really hates me, I don’t know of anyone on this planet that truly hates me. I have never done anything out of malice. I have never planned to hurt anyone ever. I suppose I am emotionally immature. When I should have spoken I was silent. When I should have listened, I raged.

I have learnt the harshest lesson of all. And still I cry.