I have had no reason to tidy my flat for the past few months. Apart from personal pride why should I bother! I have bought so many clothes over the last year that I’ve actually run out of room. You remember those little tile puzzles where you had one space to move the tiles around? Well my flat no longer has that space. My bed is covered in suitcases and clothes, the living room floor is covered in bags of unworn clothes. My coffee table is buried beneath pills and books and the kitchen is a complete no go area! The only place I kept clean was the bathroom and toilet just because. I tell myself every day that I’m going to make a start and then I get sidetracked, I read watch tv or play my pipes or my most popular pastime go to costas! It is a genuine symptom of illness to feel so overwhelmed by something so simple. I knew it was bad when I started buying paper plates and throw away knives and forks so I wouldn’t have to do the washing up. I cut down all my metalware and crockery to just 4 sets of everything. Where once I used to love cooking I now tend to eat microwave meals. I have to get back into my bed. I look so tired which isn’t surprising as I wake up about 4 times a night. It’s all to do with self respect and self esteem.
So today I’ve made a start in the kitchen. It’s been most unpleasant and embarrassing that I’ve let things slide so much. I’m feeling good at the moment and optimistic so have to do things whilst this feeling lasts!
I make no apologies to Mel Gibson for changing his battlefield speech……
I am Douglas Alexander Grant and I see the mess of many years before me in defiance of my mop and bucket. I’ve come to clean the flat as a single man and a single man I shall remain. What will I do without Jeyes bleach or Fairy liquid? Will I clean? Will I wash up? Clean and I may die, leave it and I may live a while. But dying in my unmade bed many years from now would I be willing to trade all my polishing clothes and Mr Sheen for one chance….. just one chance to go into the kitchen and do the washing up?!! To tell myself that the dirty plates may pile up and the floor get sticky, but they’ll never wash themselves and take from me my free tiiiiiimmmme!!
I'm a hoarder, my dad was a hoarder, I'm sure my youngest is too. I feel comfortable surrounded by stuff, I like the clutter the existence of things, I have stuff stuffed in any crevice of the house. So every now and again I get help I know the cleanliness won't last , it's as though I'm frightened of the empty space, I need to fill it. Having depression and being a survivor of a suicide attempt having nearly lost something you want to hold on to even the smallest of things. You are doing a fantastic job, first recognising what you need to do, then doing it. Clean those dishes and imagin the dirt washing from you, your pain…
If I was closer I'd be helping! I love sorting out other people's houses and rooms. (Note the 'other' people, my house is a wreck at the moment, too much on my to do list which is more important at the moment. One day I'll have a house smelling of polish with fresh flowers in every room )
Good luck, start in one corner and go for it. Xx