It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve had plenty to say but think it unfair when other parties don’t have the right of reply….. well they do but they never would even if I invited them to.
It’s been nearly 9 months since that awful frightening day and although I feel that I haven’t come a long way, in reality I know I have. I’m not completely different but my research has led me to a realisation that I’m probably autistic. The more I think back to my childhood, my teens and my entire life just reinforces my certainty. I have spent my entire life telling doctors I’m different, that I’m not quite right and all I’ve been given is anti depressants for my entire life. You can’t spend 40 years being constantly depressed. So I’ve asked my psychiatrist to start the wheels turning for a diagnosis and currently it could take 2 years or £2500 if I go private! Whatever it takes I need an answer that will explain my erratic and strange behaviour, my angry outbursts, my low self esteem, self sabotaging jobs and relationships, forgetfulness, and compulsive and obsessive behaviour.
Until such time as I get a diagnosis I will continue to try and understand who I am and where I’m going. Underlying that attempt at understanding, will of course be the possibility that I am indeed autistic. Another journey of self discovery awaits.
I’m still unemployed, still struggling for money and still struggling health wise although my mental health continues to resume some ‘normalcy’.
I’ve picked up a small job as a featured extra in a drama documentary and I have three lines!! Actors would fight to the death for this opportunity! It’s great fun. I’ve been stuck in a hotel for 3 days self isolating and hopefully filming will start tomorrow. I had a voice coaching session this morning trying to get my accent right….. only struggled on one word but the rest is fine apparently! As a featured extra I’ll have some proper costume and maybe a spot of makeup! Just as well as the frock coat I brought along decided to fall apart as I was brushing it! It’s done rather well for a 100 year old coat but I think it’s finally reached the end! Maybe Nudge Quinningly can wear it now! I was hoping to get a haircut on set but my hair is the correct length dammit!
I’m trying to save money so eating pot noodles and nuts! I suppose I’ll break by Tuesday and will treat myself to a curry! Ive brought my large coffee machine along so I can have my own particular blend of Peruvian roast, level 5 with oat milk. It’s very moreish but after 5 cups I do spend an inordinate amount of time watching ‘It’s always sunny in Philadelphia’into the small hours. Alan Partridge, Father Ted and Still Game are also keeping me company in my huge bed and it’s kind of like being at home as I remain undressed all day and night!
Had a lovely deep bath and listened to some great tunes by one of my favourite folk bands Peatbog Faeries. Fishing at Orbost being one of my favourites. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rF5lNlv2uVU I need to get back to my homeland of the highlands of Scotland. It is a peaceful place of serenity, peace and deep healing. It’s been too long and I want to climb into the mountains again and breathe that cold fragrant air.
So, I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. It’s going to be exciting and although it’s only 3 lines I realise it’s a wonderful opportunity. Working in film has been a great experience in whatever small capacity. At least my kids can look back and if they are quick enough can catch a glimpse of their Dad on the tv!
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