Identity

The third initial in CHIME. Identity. I thought writing about Hope was going to be the most difficult but this one is extremely challenging. The whole recovery process is tough and Im only just starting out. I am lost, I dont know who I am anymore. I dont know who I am supposed to be. I have forgotten who I was and it seems I have lost all purpose in life.

Once I was fit and worked hard for a living. I was once a keen sportsman and fisherman. I used to make things, holsters and belts, things of beauty and proud to say I made them with these two hands. I used to draw and paint. I used to laugh and love, I used to go to conventions. I used to love dressing up as my alter egos and entertaining people. Not only has lockdown taken these things from me, so has my illness.

I have become over the years, a lesser man. Even though limited to the sort of work I could do I still tried to work. Eventually my physical illnesses limited my ability to work in any physical capacity and in turn my mental illness has caused me to lose various jobs over the years. Every time I got ill or lost a job a little bit of my self esteem and confidence was taken from me. Every time I nearly died I was diminished, slowly disappearing. I am now adrift. I have lost my clients. I am in debt. I owe on my rent. I receive fucking food parcels. I had planned on handing all the food back to the food banks when this was all over, but I need to hold onto them now.

I cant afford to move out of the flat and the council flats that I can bid on are far worse than where I currently live and still with no gardens. I looked at three and they are near a railway crossing on the same line that runs through Stowmarket.

Who am I? What purpose do I serve? Am I doing anything to make society a better place? Am I making a difference to anyone by being here? My life seems to have consisted of trips to the doctors with brief periods of work in between. I no longer have a purpose or reason to be here apart from my children. Although they are all grown up, they will always be my babies. Is my identity as a father enough to keep me going? I want to be a fully functioning member of society. I want to work, I dont want to be limited by my physical and mental illnesses. I dont want to be poor or in debt or stay in a flat that holds so many good and bad memories. I want to move away from everything and start anew but cannot. I am trapped here by poverty, no work and illness.

I am not a lump of clay that waits for helping hands to shape me into something worthwhile. I am working as hard as I can to get fit. I am doing absolutely everything I can to understand my mental illness and start to recover. I am engaging with the specialists, I am doing my own reading, but to what end? I have to remain optimistic otherwise what is the alternative? Sink or swim do or die, or in the words of the wise Yoda 'Do or do not. There is no try‘. I suppose like the Jedi I shouldnt deal in absolutes, should not see things in black and white. I am either rich fit and successful or poor ill and a failure. I am either happily married to a beautiful successful woman, or I remain single, to die all alone in some shitty flat, surrounded by old newspapers, dirty dishes and broken unrealistic dreams. There is no grey or anything in between for me. I have always lived my life for others, always worried about how they saw me, judged me on what job I was doing or what things I owned. I lost everything because of how I thought others perceived me. I judged myself on what I thought others were judging me on and not what was important. Love and companionship, partnership and sharing were strangers to me. I have bulldozed my way through life, a disappointed malcontent, angry at the world for dealing me a shitty hand. Rather than remembering all the good things that have happened in my life, I have honed in on all the bad things and I have suffered for it. I have made those that loved me suffer also, not by design but just because my disappointing life was the norm. I knew no different from being in constant pain from low paid unskilled labour. The weeks off work, the months of unemployment because of illness took its toll on my already fragile sense of pride. I could have been anything I chose to be when I was young but I failed at school for various reasons and joined the army.

I have lived my entire life the wrong way. I should have taken pleasure in the smallest things, the smallest victories. I should never have been forever searching somewhere else for riches when I already held them in my hands if only I had looked. I wish I could say I am now a blank canvas, ready to start my masterpiece. I wish I could say I am now entering the latter half of my days on this planet with renewed optimism. When you realise that you have lived your entire life entirely wrapped up in your own selfish wants and needs, the future seems pointless. How does a man change 53 years of selfishness. This selfishness has protected me and I have left in my wake people that loved me damaged and worse off for knowing me. I have a lot of things I need to get out of my rucksack as I journey along that precipice. Self doubt, disappointment, low self esteem and others I can throw over into the deep chasm never to be seen again, but selfishness and anger are the ones I most want to free myself from. I am not selfish where physical things are concerned. I have always been generous in the giving of gifts but I have never been generous in sharing either my time or emotions. There may be many reasons why I am angry, I sincerely hope that it is an organic thing. In a strange way I hope that I did indeed have a mini stroke in 2016 which whilst not excusing my behaviour over the past three years my go someway to explaining it. If its a mental thing then my path to recovery will be just as difficult but different. I wont be able to blame my actions on illnesses which I have been doing my entire life. Where does my mental illness make the decisions I have made in the past. Is it my mental illness making those decisions for me or am I just being selfish again? Have I become selfish because of my illnesses?

Self Sabotage

This is something that I know I have been doing my entire life. I dont know the exact mechanics of it and why I do it but I do it nonetheless. I get a nice job, I get into a wonderful relationship and once I am happy I do everything I can to make my partner hate me. My work suffers and where once I was a go getter I cruise along then end up doing very little. I lose my job, I lose my girlfriends and then I lose my self respect. I then return to my natural state, that of the unhappy malcontented morose man. I become happy in my unhappiness, at least for a while and then the old me fights its way out for a while and I decide yes I do want to be happy and it starts all over again. I cannot express the sadness for myself when I see couples that have been together for years, or seen a friend thats held a job since he left school. Its all I ever wanted to be. Happily married with a house, children, holidays and a career. It is not much to ask for or aspire to but every single time I have failed.

I have so much to cope with that I am feeling overwhelmed. I dont know where to start. It is daunting enough to cope with depression and anxiety and panic attacks but it is the reasons behind those three constant companions that I need to address. Pills and potions cannot heal my mind or heart. The only thing that can do that is me. I am beginning to realise what a hard journey lies before me, but it is a journey I will finish, I wont be taking any shortcuts or ending the trip too soon. Some have stayed with me, despite what my illness has done to them and others have gone and I dont blame them. If those that I have left along the way want to join me on my new journey, then they only have to ask. I cant promise it will be easy but they can know that I will make it to that highland river one day.

Ive been reminded of Samuel Barbers 1936 composition ‘Adagio for Strings‘. It’s almost as good as Vaughn Williams ‘The Lark Ascending’. Both are beautiful pieces of work. Please listen!

https://youtu.be/KylMqxLzNGo