I remember.....

Someone said yesterday that my last blog on the loss of the one I love, was a ‘stream of consciousness’. I have to agree. It was disjointed, scruffy, confusing and more importantly unfair. I write this blog with a clearer, more open and healthy mind.

I am now sat in a beautiful and quiet cemetery which I know she would have loved, she was crazy like that! It is a pleasant place to be. I can hear birds singing and there is no one else about this early in the morning. It is good to be away from the flat, even if only for brief moments of time. The flat holds so many wonderful memories and some very bad ones. I am looking for other places to move into but I’m very limited in what I can afford, and what’s available on the council list is so bad no one wants to live there at all.

I had another bad night where I dreamt of her. When I am awake I struggle to remember her face but in my dream she was everything I had forgotten. Even in my dream I made her cry. I tried to talk to her and she turned and walked away crying. It seems I can’t even escape her in my dreams, and I woke at 3 heartbroken yet again. I got up at 5 after watching 2 hours of rubbish on YouTube and went for my daily customary 5000 step walk. As I walked through the town I stopped at the jewellers and found myself looking at engagement rings. I passed two estate agents where we had both looked at houses. I passed the street where we actually went to look at a house and even discussed where my daughters room would be. I passed a funeral directors and remembered her strong and loving support at the funeral of my father. I remember her sponsoring trees to be planted in his memory. I walked across the recreation field and watched the funfair setting up and I thought how much she would loved to have gone. I walked past the surgery and remembered her coming to the endless hospital appointments with me. I remember her looking after me when I was very ill over Christmas and I remember her holding me as I cried over the memory of my father. I remember her sending flowers to my mum just because. I remember her laugh and her smile and holding hands as I dragged her into charity shops. I remember her plans for us and the dog she wanted to buy and above all I remember she said she loved me more than I will ever know. I believe that she did and I loved her more than life. All of this I had forgotten when I should have been celebrating what I once had.

I will probably never know why she never contacted me after that terrible day. I must believe that she must have had a very good reason for not doing so. If it was because she was scared I understand. If it was to protect herself then I must sacrifice my own closure to ensure she does feel safe and happy forever. I don’t even know if she knows how bad I was. I certainly never told her a thing. If I had, maybe none of this would have ever happened. In a strange way she has led me on this path of self discovery. Without that experience I think I would have carried on as the old me and that’s not someone I like very much at all.

Yesterday was a bad day. I will not delete or hide the previous blog ‘I’m ill not mad’. That would be dishonest and disingenuous. By writing my stream of consciousness down it has allowed me to see some more of the truth that I have hidden because I am hurting so much. With truth comes a painful realisation that I will never see her or speak to her ever again. I will never again hear her voice say my name. It’s a terrible thing to face but I will continue to grow and get better. I have no other choice.