I have found out who really loves me over the past few months. Those true friends who realised that I needed help and gave it without question and never left my side for one moment. Those friends ensured I stayed alive after my attempt on my life and they have never asked for anything in return apart from my continued recovery. There are those that told me that they loved me, then abandoned me in my desperate hour of need. They didnt even ask if I was ok. They showed no interest whatsoever in my health or welfare, although they had spent the best part of 2 years telling me they loved me more than I will ever know. Its a terrible thing to realise that the woman I thought loved me, had no idea of what that word meant. What is even more terrible and confusing is that I still think of her everyday and still love her. I am torn between my head and my heart. I am being pulled in different directions. One friend stood fast and the other ran away. One friend saved my life, the other didnt care whether I was alive or dead. I have no idea why nearly three months since I last saw her, that I still cannot get her out of my head.
Why did she run from me when I needed her? Did she not understand how ill I was? Did she not understand that I needed help long before I tried to hang myself? Did she not even care that I was so obviously ill? Was she hoping to end our relationship before I did? So many questions and not one answer from anyone. I feel like the puppy that has grown ugly and bad tempered because its been mistreated, taken for a ride and then dumped in a layby to fend for myself. Did she forget who I was? Did she forget who she thought she fell in love with? Beneath my illness was that funny charming witty man and I had only forgotten who I was for a moment. He was always in there and was fighting desperately to keep his head afloat and try to function normally. My debts were rising, I had lost clients, I was physically and mentally ill and couldnt pay my rent. Despite my desperate fight over the previous months, my illness beat me and my illness made some decisions that the normal Doug would never have made. Did she run away because she never knew how bad I was. Did she think that my suicide was a cry for help? My heart tells me she still doesnt know how close I came to dying. My mind says she knew but did nothing.
Where she ran another stayed. She was the one who first got to my flat, shes the one who held me as I cried in the back of the ambulance. Shes the one who visited me in hospital. Shes the one who has sat in a chair night after night whilst I tried to sleep on my sofa, waiting for the pills to kick in so I could stop thinking of her for a few brief hours. She has not once asked for anything in return other than my friendship, which I nearly lost because I wasnt strong enough to stand up for her. She is only concerned about my recovery. I cannot say enough of how much a special person she is. She is the one that has kept me occupied and even though she knows how I still feel for the one I lost, she still supports me without question. How many people do you know that will do that for you. Yet I feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty that I still love the one I lost, yet I am being helped in my recovery by a person who never asks for anything in return. I am torn.
I am still unsure of what I am trying to say here. I suppose it is still all too raw to think completely rationally. I think of her everyday and I hope that feeling eventually disappears, but I still love her when I shouldnt. I have written previously that I didnt deserve an answer but I have come to realise that if you really loved someone you would at least put some closure to the relationship. I did nothing within that relationship that deserves such contempt and hatred. Of course I still have no idea of how she dealt with the break up. For all I know she could have been going through the same thing, but I have no knowledge of her life just prior to my attempt and afterwards. I sincerely hope that she hasnt gone through what I have. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
I suppose the lesson here, if there is one, is to always watch for the signs of depression in yourself and your loved ones. It sneaks up on you and then one day you and everything you loved and hoped for is gone. Dont give up on someone easily but fight alongside them and beat what is a real illness. Be a partnership not an outsider looking in at a stranger. Fight for what you love and never let them go whatever happens. Depression is invisible initially, but to the expert eye the signs are clear. Being disengaged, restless, angry, irritable, loss of libido, not talking all the signs are there if you know what you are looking for.
With my lack of knowledge of what she went through during the break up, all of my writings are mere supposition. I hope I am wrong. In fact it is my hope that one day I will eventually find out that I was completely wrong. Maybe one day she will feel that she is able to talk to me as a friend. I hope that she is happy but I know that my illness has robbed two people of an amazing future together.
Komentáře