Grains of Sand.....

No sleeping pills so only a broken sleep of about 5 hours last night. So Im writing about Part 4 of CHIME at 4 in the morning. I can watch the sun slowly come up and listen to the birds wake as I struggle with M for meaning. I thought I could write about all the aspects of CHIME very easily, but I find it extremely difficult where the question of who and what I am needs looking at. Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? Does my life have any meaning to me or others? Do I lead a meaningful life? Do I make a difference to those around me? What is my role in society? Lots of questions that have no right or wrong answers. I have looked over my other blogs on CHIME and I could now write about some aspects completely differently. That’s because of my growing knowledge and confidence and because I am beginning to slowly recover. Not only am I beginning to recover from years of depression but the 12th of June is slowly disappearing into the past.

If I had succeeded in ending my life on that day, the meaning of my life would have been lost. The legacy I would have left would be completely different to the legacy I will leave now. In a strange way all the times Ive been near death and survived have given my life new meaning. There has been no eureka moment, but once recovered it does change you. My attempt on my life, if it had succeeded, would have robbed my entire 53 year old life on this planet of any meaning. My role as a father would have gone from a figure of love and respect to one of anger and confusion. The difference I would have made to the lives of my family and friends and partner would have been catastrophic rather than inspiring. Not only would I have taken my life from myself and others I would have taken my meaning away as well.

I am still struggling to find meaning for me though. I know what I mean to a lot of people but why am I here? I suppose the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything isn’t 42 but something far more indiscernible. Now I am a survivor. I have no job, no income, no career. I have spent my life worrying about what people thought of me. My relationship was in part broken by worrying about what she thought of me. It was all in my head. I am not my job. I am not measured in what I have or what I can give in monetary terms. I am measured in what differences I can make to those around me. I am measured in the support and love I can give to those who are part of my life, old forgotten friends and even strangers. Mindfulness plays a big part in meaning for me. I may not have monetary riches to offer anyone but I have a tonne of other stuff that Im sure will positively affect other people. I believe that I am kind, considerate, loving, funny, intelligent and interesting where I used to believe that I was the exact opposite. Im sure that when I look back on this particular blog in a few weeks, the meaning of my life would have changed yet again. We are forever adapting and changing as human beings. We need to adapt ourselves to our surroundings. Whether its in your career or a marriage, you adapt to your surroundings, but never at the expense of who you are. That way lies confusion and loss.

In other news……not only have I got that very small part in a Sci fi film, but my good friend at the local museum has got me a little film to do. I am to play an Iron Age blacksmith in a little educational film by Terry Deary, he of Horrible Histories fame. I am a huge fan of HH so will be really looking forward to this one! I think my beard swung the deal! I walked a total of 6.6 miles yesterday in about 12000 steps and I actually ate a lunch of chicken with some nuts and raisins. I continue to lose weight and change the shape of my body from someone that looked like he had swallowed a beachball to someone who is mildly out of shape. I was feeling particularly confident yesterday, so I took my t off for my walk. I was feeling good until I caught a glimpse of myself in a window and felt fat again. The riverside walk was not great as it was overgrown in places and the old stingers got me time and time again. I shouldn’t have worn shorts. Saw plenty of fish in the Gipping though and the river looks lovely and healthy. I doubt I will do the walk again as you have the river on one side and a chainlink fence on the other. This protects an industrial area where the stink of chemicals is quite overpowering at times. The walk goes from Stowmarket right through to Ipswich, a distance of about 15 miles and I plan to walk it one day soon, this time in long trousers. A bit of anxiety and catastrophic overthinking crept in after doing my weights and I spent the evening just getting anxious. It is a constant battle to push those negative thoughts away and replace them with the positives in my life. I am still alive, and although my future is different at least I now have one. I am a different person to who I was 6 months ago. I have grown since the 12th of June and even though I nearly destroyed myself and all those around me, I believe I have become even stronger. Not every day is bad and not every day is good. I now count the days and nights in minutes and hours. I will take the good hours and battle the bad ones. It is always the weekends and evenings which are bad for me, so I fill those hours with other things.

The title of this blog is Grains of Sand, so I suppose I should make some mention of it here. I took a good picture on my fossil hunt and thought it’s a good image to use as an analogy. We are all of us grains of sand on a vast beach. We are subject to the powerful force of the tide that washes over us, again and again. Sometimes we are washed into a gentle pool and other times we are smashed against the rocks and ground to even smaller grains. Other times we just lie on the sand. That’s life and its how we deal with those times when we are smashed or ground down, that makes us who we are. When you find a deep calm pool stay there as long as you can, you don’t know what the next tide has in store for you.