I do post up snippets of music that we once both enjoyed but it is on my terms. I am ready to listen to them and remember the times we cried together listening to the songs. I am not triggered when I choose my own moment. Thats not to say I don’t cry when I hear them but it’s my choice.
I heard a snippet of highland bagpipe music today and I wasn’t ready for it. It took me back to the early days of our relationship. We were both laying on my sofa cuddling and I put on one of my favourite pieces of pipe music, MacKays Memoirs by Martyn Bennet. The main composition is an ancient pipe tune called Lament for Mary MacLeod and he builds upon the theme. It’s a mighty powerful piece of music and it always makes me sob uncontrollably. When the pipes kicked in she was already gently crying. I knew then that I would love her until the end of time. We both lay there crying and it was a rare beautiful moment that I will treasure forever.
What has this to do with my mental health?! An awful lot. I think I am dealing with my depression and anxiety and panic attacks remarkably well considering I was hanging by a cord a few weeks ago. What I am struggling with is the loss of a different future. I suppose I am in mourning, although it seems worse than that because she is all around me and inside me. She still laughs and loves somewhere I cannot be. When I hear the train pulling away, I still expect her to knock on my door 5 minutes later like she used to, arriving all businesslike with her little suitcase and can of gin and tonic and straight into my arms. I even check my mail box every day in the hope there’s a letter.
One of the last messages she sent me was ‘I only ever wanted you to marry me’. Despite what both of us have said and done over the last 60 odd days, I would marry her in a heartbeat.
https://youtu.be/FGMalhcGp9g
I to the hills will lift mine eyes,
from whence doth come mine aid.
My safety cometh from the Lord,
who heav’n and earth hath made.
Thy foot he’ll not let slide, nor will
he slumber that thee keeps.
Behold, he that keeps Israel,
he slumbers not, nor sleeps.
The Lord thee keeps, the Lord thy shade
on thy right hand doth stay:
The moon by night thee shall not smite,
nor yet the sun by day.
The Lord shall keep thy soul; he shall
preserve thee from all ill.
Henceforth thy going out and in
God keep for ever will.
Thankyou. I will never forget her.
I shed a tear on this one my heart goes out to you on this