Communication Breakdown

Does she for one moment stop and think of me anymore? I think of her constantly, I cannot think of anything else. I last saw her at 5 o clock Sunday morning, 62 days or 1488 hours ago. She was asleep as I kissed her goodbye. As much as I try to concentrate on anything else, she is constantly there, smiling laughing and sometimes crying. Sometimes I was the cause of her crying and sometimes we cried together at a song or just looking at each other. We would spend hours holding each other and sighing in contentment, holding hands wherever we went. I thought she was the 'one', my last chance to finally settle down for the rest of my life with someone I loved. There were times when I looked at her and just felt such warmth and happiness that I thought in that moment if I died, Id die happy. She was young, beautiful funny and intelligent and we made each other laugh uncontrollably at times. I introduced her to my mother as 'The woman I am going to marry' and I meant it.

I am trying to deal with many things at once and it was the same during the relationship. I started to become ill around May 2019 but didnt do anything about it. I didnt tell her how I was feeling, I didnt explain to her why I was becoming distant and we never discussed the mirtazapine I was taking. I have mentioned elsewhere the effects that I believe happened to me. I suffered irritablity, anger,sleepiness, joint pain, nausea, confusion weight gain and suicidal thoughts and I never told her a thing. All this time she must have been feeling rather confused and wondering why I had changed so drastically. Even when I went into the special hotel the first time around in January 2020 I never let her in, never explained to her why I was there. To be fair I was probably unsure why I was there as well, but again I believe the drugs had a lot to do with it. I left the unit fully intent on taking the help that was on offer but I was still too ill to follow it through and by the time I was going to do something about it, lockdown happened. It was then a downward spiral into an even deeper depression. I ate constantly and as I was self isolating didnt go out anywhere. I ate constantly and getting fat led to my already low self esteem taking a nosedive. I loathed myself. The spiral revolves around and around and you get worse and worse. No one knew anything of this, certainly not my girlfriend. Ive mentioned already what happened in May so wont repeat myself but I will say that I was already thinking about about suicide. The small amount of clients I had were gone, I couldnt pay my rent, my health was crippling me and I knew I was beginning to lose her already. I never explained to her the pressure I was under.

Of course I wonder if it was all for real. Was I just an old flattered fool? I am always thinking did she really love me 'more than I will ever know' or did she just think she did? Was she in love with me or someone she thought I was? Did everything we do together mean anything to her or was I just a distraction or a passing fancy. I made mistakes at the start of the relationship, I was unsure of what I meant to her then, and by the time I realised it was all too late and I was too ill. I demanded a proper good bye but then she was gone and I had no right to demand anything.

There has to be some meaning to all of this. There has to be a lesson learnt so I can pass on words of wisdom and comfort to those going through the same torment. I am afraid there is no magic pill or a button that you can turn off in your head. You have to work at getting better. Im fighting against 35 odd years of living with depression and low self esteem and self doubt. All three have been my constant companions and its very very difficult to say goodbye to those friends even though you hate them so much. They have lied to you your entire life and led you away from who you were supposed to be. They want to hang onto like a remora eel, sucking the life from you and feeding off the bits of whats left of you. It is a difficult battle to win.

I made the mistake of erasing her from my life. Every single photo that was taken is now gone, gifts given are wrapped up and hidden away, too painful to have on display. We did a handcast together in May, both our hands entwined forever in plaster and I threw it away. I cried when I threw it into the bin and I wish I could go and find it. I sent my bracelet back that she had bought me and I wish I could have it back. I have nothing left but memories. I wish I could undo lots of things but then dont we all.

If you and I only take one lesson from this sad tale, it is this. Make sure you talk to your loved ones about everything. Never ever leave them in any doubt as to what is happening in your life. Every problem you have at work, any problems with your family or your health and emotions, you must always take time out to talk it all through. If you dont they will make their own minds up and assume something else entirely is happening. You will risk losing everything for the sake of a five minute chat each day.

I only wish she could see me now and how far I have come from that fat morose unhappy man of last year. I hope she is happy and I hope she doesnt hate me. I loved her then and I love her now but know I cannot continue to do so. I must remember the times we laughed and loved together and wish her well on her own journey.

'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation'

Kahil Gibran.