It seems I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things recently. I’m saying fare ye well to old memories, old passions. I’m saying bye bye to mental ill health. I’m wishing a fond farewell to someone who has been my best friend for years, who saved my life and helped rebuild me. She is now gone. It seems my new found skill and talking honestly and openly has lost me everything. So it’s now me, on my own with all the adult responsibilities that brings with it! Do I pursue my acting career as an even poorer version of Withnail and I. Do I forget all about my dreams and get a safe job that will pay the bills but will ultimately make me ill again? Choices choices. I so wish I was a simple soul, settled in a safe relationship with safe people with a safe boring job leading to a safe retirement, eking out my remaining years playing bowls and visiting sleepy sea side towns. How do other people manage it for fucks sake? Are they desperately unhappy and hide that sadness behind false smiling pictures and status updates?
I don’t consider myself old. I’ll be 55 on the 25th of this month, it’s the new 40 I tell myself although my bones tell me otherwise! I have the emotional
maturity of an 11 year old and the body of an octogenarian. I have relied on others far too much in my life and have never taken personal responsibility for anything I’ve done. I look back and can forgive many things and blame it on my mental illness, unknown to anyone in those days, but not everything. To be honest I’ve been a complete and utter shit. However, that was then and this is now. I have a new awareness. I have still hurt people close to me and god knows it was never intentional, it’s just where I find myself right now. I’ve been told it’s all about choices. Right or wrong I’ve made mine and I end up with nothing. No love, no friendship no relationship. My choice, although it hurts me and others.
I’m visiting the museum today. I’m going to walk across the gentle meadow, leaving the tall soft safe grass behind. I’m going to walk into the dark woods where the wild garlic grows and the path winds tortuously around fallen rotten trees. Where that path leads I have no idea.
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