I’m feeling lazy today. It’s beautiful and sunny and I have a nice cool breeze running through the flat. I’m feeling lazy today as I’m not going to write too much on how I feel about having BPD. I’m going to just put a few quotes up from others who show what it’s like to live with this unfortunate illness. For me it’s all or nothing. The world of the BPD sufferer is black and white. There is no in between.
1. Yes or No
2. Love or hate
3. In or out
4. War or peace
5. Black or white
6. Stop or go
There doesn’t seem to be a medium setting for me. It’s high or low, on or off. The nuances of dealing with problems or any relationship are lost to me. I fail to see the little bits of grey sandwiched between black and white. Other peoples feelings or point of view are unintentionally ignored. I simply fail to see them. This is part of the illness, it is not me. It is not who I am and it’s certainly not who I want to be. The very fact that I am now seeing me for who I am is a form of healing, I can see why I cause feelings of great love towards me and of great hatred. When I am loved I am on my high setting, when I’m hated I’m either turned to low or simply off. No one hates me more than I do when I’m being a Twat, an evil vengeful spiteful confused thing. When I am switched on I love myself. Im confident funny loving touchy feely and I feel that I can do anything in the world.
I have been acting for as long as I can remember. I’ve been all things to all people. I’ve been true to others ideas of me but have always lied to myself. Acting is a fantastic coping mechanism for BPD. It starts at learning your lines. Then acting the part, then the audition. It’s a strange thing to do….. putting yourself out there to strangers but it’s enlightening. If I get the part I must assume that I’m good enough. I tell myself that yes I can actually do this. Underlying it all is the inner child, the damaged you that tells yourself you aren’t good enough, what on Earth do you think you’re doing?! Once on set the strangest thing happens. I am surrounded by people that are so young and they assume because of my age ( my audition?) that I’m a professional actor. So I have to act as the professional actor. Then when it’s time for my scene I am Doug the untrained actor acting as a trained actor acting a part who is part of me in a different situation! Does that make sense? I am happiest when I’m on set. Im never going to be famous or rich, I act because of the buzz, the opportunity to be someone else for a while, to not be all me.
The eventual aim of learning to live with EUPD is to be on a normal level. To see things as grey or slow or halfway along. To listen to others, to be empathic, to be in a relationship that is of two halves not just me and my problems. This is all achievable but it takes time, courage, commitment and determination. The very fact that I’m still here and fighting my corner shows that there is hope for all of us.
I’ve included some quotes etc to give other peoples point of view.
There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you.
A reason why I’ve written this blog. I have 45 years of struggling to write down!
In response to not getting the attention I deserve, I’ve decided I’m going to cause problems on purpose!
I do this a lot!!
Even if everyone in the world were to accept me and my illness and validate my pain, unless I can abide myself and be compassionate toward my own distress, I will probably always feel alone and neglected by others.
I’m working on this
A borderline suffers a kind of emotional hemophilia; [s]he lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate [his or her] spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death’
I have such intense emotions that it frightens me and others.
Tell them that you really want to understand, and ask if they can say more about what they are feeling and why. Give the person hope for recovery by reassuring them that people with BPD can and do get better. Accept that the person is struggling and that life goals might need to be broken down into smaller steps.
Accept that I have an illness and that I can be cured.
‘You know you're borderline when you fluctuate between fearing abandonment and encouraging it.”
The savage art of self sabotage
‘I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood”
I suppose this feeling comes from hiding your true self away for so long
‘It hurts so bad when you have a fear of abandonment caused by a mental disorder, but it’s that same mental disorder that causes people to walk out of your life.”
Who can blame them. It can be frightening, disturbing and emotionally exhausting.
All of you have a wonderful weekend and make the most of every single precious second.
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