It has only been 33 days since I wrapped that cord around my neck and tried to kill myself. In 33 days I have come a remarkably long way. I don’t mind admitting that I am proud of the fact that I am still here and can write about my experiences.
i still have many many things to address. I need to sit down with my children and begin to tell them what happened, even though I am still unclear on that point. I had some wobbles. I’ve nearly handed myself over to the special hotel twice and I’ve spent days in a complete stupor. I spent 10 days not eating anything and I need to get my head around that as well. In general things are looking up. I was watching Still Game last night and I think it was the first time I had laughed in 32 days! Humour is so important to hold onto. I do smile to myself when I get people commenting to ‘Hang in there Doug!’ The support of my family and friends has been amazing. In particular K has made sure I am safe and has talked me through some bad days. I count myself very lucky to have her friendship. I have always been very self deprecating. I am not the arrogant overconfident person some would think I am. You couldn’t get anyone further from the real Negan! So when I see such lovely comments it does make me cry quite often. I cry when I write a lot of my blogs. I stopped crying months ago, I forgot how to cry. Crying is good for you. The last time I cried I was in a hotel bed watching A Christmas Carol on the tv. It was one of my dads favourite films and I just burst into tears. I must cry more!! Ive just eaten my fourth meal in four days. It’s from a company called Musclefood. High protein low fat and bloody delicious with Cajun Beef being my favourite at the moment. I am getting my appetite back and I’m beginning to wake up hungry. I am absolutely determined to lose weight and want to get down to 13.5 stone. I’m actually looking forward to getting into the gym and putting some muscle on. Good physical health leads to good mental health and I will no longer let my illnesses define who I am or what I do. A new journey awaits!
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