I was sat behind a girl on the set of a film I’m doing background stuff for. Her hair was exactly the same as Rs, a beautiful light brown with blonde highlights. Her head was very much smaller than Rs ( it was our joke….R did have incredibly small ears tho!) and I was imagining R being on set with me. She would make a very good actress I think. It’s been over a year now and the hurt lessens as time goes on but a little bit of my heart is forever broken and will never be fixed.
I have been very busy these past two weeks. Harrogate filming a short indie film, on set in London, covid and costume tests everywhere! I also have another part in a London Film School short!! I had to send in self tapes to audition so hopefully people like what I’m doing. I’m waiting on some huge news and if I get it you’ll see a different version of me shortly!! I can’t say what it’s for but it should get me onto the convention scene I hope.
I’m waiting to see the shrink again! I’m convinced that I have had EUPD since I was a young man ( look it up!)
I love labels, labels get you help, labels can explain your appalling behaviour over the years. Labels can help others understand why you are who you are. It can soothe the confusion in your very soul and help those you hurt come to a resolution. Hopefully that resolution involves forgiveness and kindness, and the realisation that I never planned the damage caused by my actions. I am damaged, there is no doubt in my mind about that. I hope to better understand myself and hopefully heal my own wounds. In doing so, maybe I can help others, in particular my children, who despite everything have turned into beautiful kind human beings.
I turned 54 a few days ago. It’s a birthday I should have missed, I was moments away from robbing my loved ones of the precious memories to come. I am grateful that I have been given another chance to fix myself, to understand my place in this world. I am still alive to love, to write, to breathe in new experiences that will change me further. Each day is a new adventure and I’m going to grab hold of opportunities and wring them for all they are worth.
I have fallen into acting, although it was a great interest of mine when I was a child. It may or may not work out. I may be terrible, mediocre or passable. I have not made films to become famous and rich ( it rarely happens) but to just push myself and just fucking enjoy the experience! So what if I look stupid or can’t act, I just love being on set. I would encourage you all to give whatever you want a go. Give it your best and if it doesn’t work out at least you’ve tried.
On set tomorrow with Hugh Laurie!!!!
More news to follow!
I was hurting
Cut deep
Silently screaming
And didn’t see you crying
All the while
Sinking deeper
Into my own
Self styled Hell
If only we had looked
At each other
Paused for a while
To see clearly
To listen with intent
And realise
That we both
Needed that love
Comments