Under docs orders I’d weaned myself of mirtazapin over the past 2 weeks. Unfortunately the past few days I have felt myself slipping back. Since I wrote my last letter to R, I am becoming silent and terribly introspective, I don’t think I spoke more than 20 words yesterday. I haven’t been eating or sleeping very well either and it feels like those last few days that lead up to the suicide attempt.
It’s a horrible feeling knowing that it’s not just my self determination that’s got me this far, but that I’m being propped up by drugs. It’s awful, feeling myself slipping away and becoming silent again. Where I have been so strong these past few months I get sideswiped and feel like I’m back to square one. I tell myself that it’s not just down to the drugs, but its difficult to listen to yourself when you are feeling bad.
In a strange way the realisation that I’m getting worse is good. I have learnt to see the signs and this time I won’t let it carry me off into that black pit of nothingness again. All of the coping mechanisms I have learnt will now come into play and I must fight it again. This time I attack it from a position of strength. I will marshall my left wing of knowledge, at the centre will be my determination and on my right will be the ones I love. I will not go down that dark path ever again, I cannot.
So, it’s back on the drug I wanted to stop. It’s not a major issue if I find myself on drugs for the rest of my life. I have been expecting the return of these negative destructive feelings but I will not let them rule me again.
A thousand steps forward and only one step back.
Comments