I told you all that I would be honest in what I wrote on here. I have held nothing back and that may be to the detriment of how some people perceive me. By telling the truth I have to try and be mindful of others feelings, even though sometimes the truth will hurt certain people. Writing this blog has been hugely helpful to me and in a way I may have become addicted to telling the world how I feel and how Im coping. Writing the blog serves a few purposes.
1. It helps me be truthful.
2. By publishing it in public I can almost get it out of my head.
3. In trying to write in an entertaining way I have to concentrate and when I am writing I can briefly forget what I am thinking.
4. It hopefully helps others.
5. Its a public record of what I and my family have gone through. It is not a ten million word essay on how to apologise or deflect blame, and neither is it a dissertation on excuses.
The little paragraph explains how I felt this morning. It explains the loss I am feeling and the real heartache that is a constant in my life at the moment. It may read as grossly unfair to the people who have made sure I have stayed alive these past few weeks but like I said, I am determined to remain honest and open when I write. Ive been lying to myself for the past 30 odd years and to continue to do so would make the past few weeks a tragic waste. It is an opportunity for me to grow and free myself from who I was. I am truly sorry if by writing this I hurt anyone, it was never my intention.
Ive been for a lovely drive through the Norfolk countryside today in my little red Alfa GTV. I ended up going though a village called Hingham near Wymondham. Its a beautiful place , with lots of old buildings and twisty streets. There is a wonderful 1930s garage whose sharp Art Deco perpendicular columns contrast wonderfully with the ancient village green . The whole village is dominated by The White Hart Inn, a huge old post house that was once very important and very busy. It stands in the high street, bright white with a wonderful statue of a Hart above the large doors. It seems to be waiting for better times. I thought of her then and knew she would have loved every minute of this journey. As I drove through the village, the exhaust note bouncing quite nicely off the red brick walls, I imagined she was sat beside me. The window was open, the wind blowing her hair and the sound of the terrible music she used to love listening to almost drowning out the sound of the car. She would squeal as I accelerated over a hump backed bridge and would laugh when I went too fast on a roundabout. She would look over at me and smile, her hand always resting on my thigh as I drove. In that moment I was the happiest and luckiest man on the planet. She was everything to me and in that moment I was everything to her. Briefly I thought she was still sat beside me.
In other news.....
Still eating one small meal a day and have started going for a good walk around the town, about 5000 steps or so. My waistline continues to fall rapidly and the firetrap shorts that I could barely get on last month are far too big. My legs are so thin they must look like golf clubs in a large bag! The belt that was holding them up has gone from the second from last hole right back to the 8th hole! I am now wearing a size 34 waist pair of shorts and I have to do the cord up to stop them falling down. Im doing some proper weights now, heavy low reps and have already started to see an improvement. Physically Im doing really well, mentally I am struggling, although the flupentixol seems to be having a small affect on my mood. I havent had any major panic attacks since Monday although I can feel it there in my chest just bubbling away quietly. God knows what would have happened if I had been out in public when it happened to me over the weekend. In general I would have to say that I am improving albeit a lot slower than I would like. If my current life was a graph there would be lots of troughs followed by brief moments of optimism and then back into a trough. As I get further away from that terrible moment, the troughs are getting higher up the graph and I find myself beginning to laugh a little. There are of course times when something I see or hear triggers a memory and I plummet back into the depths again, although I no longer spend days there but maybe hours. In order to get better you really need to be determined and you need to take all the help that is on offer. You need to be brave and honest with yourself and everyone around you. There is no longer any point in hiding behind who you think you are.
'The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls'
Edgar Allan Poe
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