Am I mad?

Another quiet day. All the windows are open, a warm breeze blows gently through the flat. The crossing alarm sounds as a rare Sunday train makes a stop in sleepy Stowmarket. I’m lying on my couch, a duvet day where I don’t get dressed and just read my book or watch the tv. You have to be very careful that every day doesn’t become a duvet day. It’s frighteningly easy to get shut up again and insulate yourself against memories and pain. Sometimes it seems that no matter what you do, you cannot escape the past.

I’ve said it countless times before but being happy takes work. To some it seems to come naturally. You watch these people in the pub, throwing their heads back and laughing, not caring what they look or sound like. How wonderful it would be to be that person. I do find myself becoming more like that person though, although it can take about 9 pints. There lies another problem! As I unravel the past so very carefully, an understanding begins to grow. There is no lightbulb moment no flash of blinding light, just a growing realisation of why I had become so ill. Great care has to be taken when looking at one’s past. It can be painful, uncomfortable and confusing. As mental people we are told to focus on the now, to look forward, but the study of history is to help with the future. Once you have studied that particular moment in your past and understood it, then it’s time to either bury it deep in the old rusty filing cabinet in your brain. Better still, burn it so that memory can’t be revisited and regurgitated every time you are feeling hurt. Expunge memories that cause pain and fill that void with new ones that are full of hope and joy. I think it’s so important to remember that we are not the person our memories make us. We should focus on the now once we have dealt with our past.

I used to be fun believe it or not, or so I believed! I was always the life and soul of the party, the idiot guaranteed to do something stupid! Maybe this was my EUPD? One moment quiet and introspective, the next over the top and exuberant. Life is tough for most of us. We all have our hidden injuries, but we paper over the cracks and carry on as best we can. We learn to cope in our own way. My life has been full of shocks, near deaths and life changing moments. It’s no wonder I have PTSD which at the moment remains untreated beyond what I already know myself.

The WAVES course I’m on is brilliant. Once a week for the next year I will learn about living with EUPD. I’m already beginning to understand myself better. I’m getting better. Not cured but in permanent recovery, moving along and forward, away from my damaged past. I find myself recently going out to pubs for a burger and a few pints, taking great pleasure in being able to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. I can’t describe the determination required to actually go out and make this supreme effort! I find it so enjoyable to maybe think I’m making someone’s day slightly better. I make a conscious effort to look people in the eye when I’m complimenting them. At the same time you worry if your overconfidence is seen as madness by strangers that aren’t used to that sort of behaviour. I also realise I have setbacks. My EUPD kicks in and emotions explode into confusing sparks. I’ve alienated lots of people this way. I’ve lost good friends and girlfriends. I nearly lost my children by walking away from them. I lost my father by not speaking to him 3 months before his death. I’ve walked away from jobs and opportunities by imagining slights and my crushing low self esteem tells me I deserve nothing but pain and disappointment.

It’s not an easy journey. This understanding and acknowledgment of who you are and why you are is a painful time. Ultimately I will find myself again and become the person that is seen in brief flashes here and there!

My phone no longer recognises my face without my beard!

The sun is shining

Every day is an opportunity

Every day you move further away from the past

The crossing alarm is sounding again.