A Tug of War

Today is a mediocre day bordering on a wobble!

A few weeks ago I spent hours going through all of my pictures on my phone, my laptop and Facebook getting rid of all of the pictures of her. As soon as I had done it I realised my huge mistake and cried again. Last night I was looking for some pictures I’d taken of a 3D printed sharks tooth that I had printed and painted for her. As I trawled through my fb pictures I found her still there in two pictures. It was as if I had seen her walking past me in the street, not looking up at me and seeing me. It hurt immensely and immediately.

I couldn’t look at them for more than a millisecond. One of them is of her looking right into my eyes. I am glad that I still have 2 small moments of complete happiness captured in those pictures. I am sad that I cannot yet look at them, maybe I never will but I will save them somewhere safe. I briefly toyed with the idea of using one of the pics as my background on my phone, but that is just plain wrong and too painful. I will just have to remember that she was once mine.

After having such a great day yesterday the finding of the two rogue pictures is now coupled with the news that we are expecting another surge in cv19 in October with another possible lockdown. I will not lock myself away again if that happens. I cannot do it. It literally nearly killed me and I lost almost everything. My anxiety is rising already. The pictures and the news is all it took. It may sound pathetic to a lot of people and to be honest a few months ago I would have agreed with you. But anxiety is a very real and physical thing. It is always with me just gently bubbling away in my chest, waiting to turn into a panic attack. I cannot cope with another lockdown and more losses.

I am going to Diss today, another beautiful town right on the Norfolk Suffolk border. It is yet another place that I must visit to extirpate those incessant memories of walking with her hand in hand, me eating an ice cream and she drinking water. The little kiosk where we bought the ice cream is gone now, but the bench where we sat is still there. It was about the same time of year as well. Lots and lots of baby ducks at the mere and people fishing and the sound of a lawn mower. It is lovely here and very hot today. I have lots of places to visit over the next few weeks, months and years. Some places I cannot ever visit again.

As I write this I can feel the panic rising. I cannot face being all alone again for months. Especially as I am now only beginning to come out of the dark pit I had inhabited from the second week in March until now. I have been going out on occasions, but always with the thought of catching cv19 and ending up being intubated. My father went through hell when he nearly died of pneumonia. I still see him with pipes going in and out of him, unconscious and watching the nurse vacuum his mouth free of saliva. I cannot help but think that is where I will eventually end up.

Perhaps my lack of eating and exercising has become an obsession. I eat too less and exercise too much. Maybe I’m hoping to burn myself away to save myself from 30 days of being fed, cleaned and turned daily until someone makes the decision to turn off all the equipment. I saw my dad die hard and it’s something I will never forget until my dying day. Catastrophic thinking and self sabotage along with depression and anxiety and panic attacks is an awful lot to bare. I cannot be alone again if we are locked down.

The session on CHIME and spirituality was good. I’m learning more about myself everyday. I have another webinar this afternoon on recovery. I take all the help I can get as I’m determined to get though this and come out the other side as the person I’m supposed to be. I had a brief glimpse of him yesterday. He was confident, witty charming, fit and outgoing, everything that I have lost over the past years. I like him a lot but I think he may get a bit annoying with his overbearing optimism! He was a stranger to me yesterday. I was worried that it wasn’t me but either an episode or the drugs or both. He needs to calm down a bit I think…..maybe I’ll settle into his shoes eventually. I certainly want to but I’m still hesitant to let myself be me. I have been that other person for so long it would seem like I’m betraying an old friend, turning him over for someone else who offers hope and love. I do know it’s going to be a long goodbye but the person I am meant to be will win in the end. I catch myself having friendly confident conversations with people I don’t know. I was being talked over by a receptionist at the doctors and I was very polite to her but got my point across. I was going to pursue a serious complaint but not wanting to become embroiled in statements and phone calls I let it go. I am definitely becoming a better person. In the past I would have dwelt on slights real or imagined and it ate me up inside. I am learning to let things go and only concentrate on the important things in my life.

It would be amazing if the old Doug was to meet the New Doug and have a sit down for a chat. I wish I could tell him all that I know now. I wish I could impart even a small piece of the hope and optimism that is inside me today. If I could have done so, the old Doug would not have spent so many years destroying himself and all those that loved him.