A rare bad day

On the whole my days are relatively normal. I'm passably happy most of the time and I have many things to be happy about. I'm blessed with wonderful children, my beautiful granddaughter Esme and my best friend Kerry. I go to watch the footie, I visit historic places and generally live the life of a retired gentleman without the money!

It's the nights that I struggle with. Constant vivid dreams mostly featuring the woman that truly broke me. It's been over 3 years since we met and she still invades my dreams. Sometimes they are nice dreams, life if all had been well. Mostly they are horrible, full of deep regret, sex, sadness and despair. I don't know if it's the drugs that causes these moments but I wake up feeling lost and so so tired. My whole day is ruled by my dreams and no matter when I'm thinking I'm moving further away from her, my dreams drag me back in.

Is there anything out there to stop these unwanted intrusions into my deepest being? Is there any treatment? Anything I can do to sleep the sleep of the innocent?!!

I'm still celibate, no desire to have sex or make love or have a proper relationship again. I can't see that being part of my future. I don't know if my past relationship has ruined me or whether it's a combination of drugs and the mental illnesses I suffer from. I was suffering from being very conscious of my weight three years ago and I still am. The thought of being seen naked by anyone else feels me with horror. Some of its down to body dysmorphia and some of its down to being a fat bastard! I'm still waiting on my operation on my foot ( it's been cancelled twice) so I can't play football or go walking at all. I'm finding it extremely difficult to even walk down the high street.

I find myself slowly slipping backwards mentally and physically. I cannot allow myself to become the shell of a man I was three years ago but it's a genuine struggle at the moment to remain upbeat and optimistic. I'm 56 years old, sleeping on Kerry's couch, no work and a complete wreck! What I do have is time to enjoy the success of my children and to watch my granddaughter grow. I have time to work on growing better, to continue on my journey to whatever the future holds.

I'm safe and looked after by Kerry. If you ever find a Kerry in your life never let them go. She has saved my life in a very real sense and continues to ensure I don't slip away again. Many people find it strange that my ex gf and I remain as very best friends. It's just as well otherwise I wouldn't be here. Thankyou Kerry for being my friend.