A minor wobble!

Yesterday I had a wobble, a minor one but a wobble nonetheless. They come and go when I least expect them. One minute I am feeling on top of the world, the next Im back in the doldrums. Today it’s the same, I feel great and optimistic in the morning and by the early afternoon Im falling into bad habits and looking to the past. My appointment with the psychologist was cancelled as it wasn’t going to be a face to face as I had hoped for. It will take place tomorrow as planned, face to face which I much prefer to phones or zoom. I have a growing fear of talking on the phone or zooming, I did have before my episode but its worse now. Every time my phone rings I jump and then get so anxious if it’s a number I don’t recognise. In fact I hate phones! It’s a ridiculous thing to get anxious over and I never thought I would suffer from panic attacks. I need this meeting to go well. I need to be open and honest in what I tell them. I am hoping for something more than being told I am depressed, with PTSD and panic and anxiety. I know it will take time for the experts to make their minds up and it’s a two way process but I need to know whats wrong with me so I can progress and move onward on my journey.

I was planning on writing about Meaning ( from CHIME) but I am really struggling to see what meaning I have to anyone at the moment. Im sure I do have meaning in my life but I find it difficult to see it. I am still overwhelmed by so many emotions and ideas and thoughts, that I must choose my battles wisely and not go charging in at everything that needs addressing. I have time to find my true meaning as I enter into the last quarter of my time on this planet. That is a scary thought. No longer am I young enough to dream of a career or a happy marriage, a nice home and holidays, I threw those things away often in my youth. When I throw away my relationships, I not only damage myself but those I leave.

FILM TALE number 2

Back in 2017 I was contacted by the casting agency and told to be at a very posh office building in Southwark at 7 in the morning. I was told to dress very smartly so duly turned up in suit and tie with a lovely black overcoat. I was chosen to be a featured extra in a boardroom scene so thought Id hang onto my smart clothes…..Unfortunately wardrobe thought otherwise and I was put into a pair of old trousers, shirt and a cardigan! I was sat in the boardroom with some proper actors and was wondering why I was there when the other extras were wandering up and down the corridors in the background. All the cameras were set up, the director was telling us what he wanted and the actors went through their lines. I knew the film was called The Foreigner and it was a Jackie Chan movie, who I wasn’t a big fan of. So I expected him to walk in rather than the one and only Pierce Brosnan! Up close hes still real handsome and that voice! I spent that day getting shouted at by him and it was amazing! Apparently I was an IRA commander and Mr Brosnan was trying to find out who had set off a bomb. During a break I went onto the roof for some fresh air and Pierce was there having a smoke. You're not supposed to talk to the talent but we were on our own so we got chatting about smoking and the news and money for about 20 minutes. I can say that he is very down to earth and very friendly. He went in and I found a 25 cent piece in a flowerpot. I went back in and sat at the table and slid the money across to Pierce and said that’ll help pay for your airfare back home….he laughed and actually pocketed it!! It’s a great film and if you haven’t seen it I think its on Netflix. I get plenty of screen time but again I am silent!