I find myself reflecting too often on the past, rather than looking to the future. I see in myself both hope and despair, losses rather than gains, failure not success and stagnation. I am in fear of falling again and I struggle to get over what I have done. What have I really achieved since that fateful day in June when nothing mattered anymore?
It’s not enough to survive is it? Am I supposed to have seen the light and come out the other side a different person, a better man? I’m beginning to struggle with the fact that I’m still here. I’m a different person that’s certain but I believe I’m not any better than I was. All these questions I struggle to answer…..
1. Am I a kinder more considerate person
2. Do I deserve another chance
3. Have my children forgiven me
4. What is in my future
5. What meaning is there
6. Why have I survived
7. Do I want to continue
8. Have the last 6 months been wasted
9. Have I lost my way again
10. Am I happy being alone
There are probably hundreds more questions off the back of these ones. Are they questions that everyone asks themselves everyday? We live in a strange time, unprecedented since 1918. Would I have made the same decisions in normal times that I now regret? I always considered myself a strong man and that the lockdown would be a breeze. I’d been in tighter spots before. It all crept up on me and already depressed since last May, by January I was having my first of two stints in the special ward.
Having survived. Having got fit and lost over 3.5 stone. Having webinars and zoom meetings, reading self help books on mindfulness and meditation I was hoping that I’d be normal again. I was looking forward to being a new person with new hopes and dreams. I think I was slowly getting there but this second lockdown is affecting me already. I went to work yesterday and I’m wondering whether I’ve already had covid or I’ve been lucky so far. I always have that thought in my mind but I’m also aware that the last lockdown crippled me financially physically and mentally. So I’m going out every day. I’ll continue to exercise and see my family.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that despite nearly destroying myself I still find myself being unsure of the person who now writes this. Am I the same person or have I changed? Introspection is easy, it’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. It’s acting on my own findings that is difficult. What I still find incredibly hard is talking the truth to those that I love. One of the reasons I write this is that I don’t have to confront those people face to face. They read this and I think it will all be ok. Is that being a coward? Am I kidding myself or is it easier to have a written record so that nothing is forgotten, everything is written down so that it’s not lost. It’s evidence of my failings, my triumphs and losses, my innermost private thoughts. Is it enough?
I recently wrote that it is only family that you can rely on. That’s not true. One friend has stood by me through it all. From finding me hanging by a cord, holding me when I cried over someone else and seeing me back on my feet once again. Friends like that are very rare and come into your life only once. Hold onto them with everything you’ve got. Two other people came out of nowhere and have given me purpose and something to look forward to. Despite what you read on social media, people are generally kind and caring. Thank goodness I have these people in my life.
So what does my future hold? Who knows. It’s what I choose to make it. I need to forget those that let me down so badly and concentrate on those people who deserve my emotions and interest. That’s easier said than done when you were in love like I was. Life is a long hard road with wrong turns, steep hills and low swamps. All of us have to go down that same road. What makes us different is how we travel along it.
Tread carefully my good friends. You don’t know what battles other people fight.
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