I’ve just come out of my meeting with my psychiatrist Dr S and V, my support worker. I have had the most wonderful support from all of the mental health team in Suffolk but sadly I know that this isn’t the case across the UK. I have soaked up the offered help via webinars and zoom meetings. I’ve bought my own books and delved deeper into my soul than I have ever done before. I am a changed man from 6 months ago. For the first time in my life I can tell myself that I am valuable to a lot of people. My meaning in life is to have meaning to those around me. My psychiatrist said I would make a very good peer support worker and that is my intention. Not only have I changed from the man I once was, I will hopefully have the chance to change other people’s life’s as well.
In 4 days time it will be three months since I tied that noose around my neck. In three months I have made huge progress. I haven’t turned my life around yet, but I will. The last quarter of my life I intend on making a difference for the better. I cannot say it’s been an easy journey. Out of all the challenges I have faced throughout my life this has been the most challenging and toughest yet. I know that I have done extremely well in getting this far. The drugs have helped and the support from the health team and my closest friend, but when it comes down to it, it’s you that has the final say in whether you sink or swim. It’s your decision to dig deep and fight with all of your strength. It’s you that stands up and says I have the beating of this thing. It is so easy to go under. The choice I made, to fight back was made for me and for my family. I did not want to leave a legacy of suicide, sadness and failure. My children would have been devastated and who knows what that legacy would have led to?
Am I cured of my mental illness? You bet I’m not! It’s likely that I will take pills in one form or another for the rest of my life. Am I beginning to understand what I’ve done? Yes I am and with knowledge comes power, power over my own mind. I can now tell myself to shut up. I can say to myself well done. I can now look in the mirror without turning away. I am beginning to recover.
Ive been for my customary walk and taken another picture in the cemetery! I thought it only right and proper that I should introduce you to the people above which I take my selfies. Meet Anna Letitia, wife to John Marriot, daughter of Edward Bigsby who passed away in 1875.
In other news..... I’ve been told to sleep in my bed as I have been sleeping on my 5 foot couch, a bit uncomfortable when I’m 6.2. I haven’t slept in my bed for months so it will feel strange waking up with no one there. I suppose it will give me a chance to start reading again. Dropping some of the dosage on my pills and see what happens. I’m putting together a Jason Vorhees costume for Halloween as I might be doing a couple of events in East Anglia this year. If i don’t slaughter you at those events you can catch me as Scrooge at Christmas time on the Epping and Ongar Steam railway.
To summarise. I’m getting better. I have hope. I have bad days. I know where I’m heading. To those that feel that suicide is your only choice, it isn’t. Please talk to your family or failing that, the Samaritans or your gp. I am always here to answer any questions you may have about what it’s like to reach that desperate moment. I am also here to show that there is a better life beyond that split second decision.
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