A Good Man Deserves Another Chance

I believe that I have lived a good life. I have made huge mistakes where relationships are involved and Ive made some disastrous decisions. I did the best I could as a husband, partner and as a father. I have never hurt anyone physically, but I know that my words and actions have hurt numerous people over the years.

I cannot blame all of my mistakes on my mental illness. In the past, the decisions I made came from who I was or had become over the years. However, most of the decisions I have made over the past 6 months I can lay squarely at the feet of my mental ill health. You become very selfish with your time and emotions. Its almost as if you are saving your energy for anger and hate and you don’t want to waste any time on love and mindfulness. I have been studying quite hard over the past few weeks in order to understand what is happening to me. The brain is a wonderful and terrible thing. It’s a supercomputer capable of high art and passion and at the same time, hate anger and destruction. It is your worst enemy and your means of survival. We have two brains, the old brain that deals purely in survival and a newer more modern brain that deals with the higher functions. In order to be safe the old brain looks for relationships, threats and protection and drive. Motives Behaviours and Emotions are our basic prehistoric functions and the old brain tells you to fight or take flight. I have spent my life taking flight. I have run away from everything. I find this confusing. I am neither a physical or moral coward but I have o try and understand why I don’t stand fast where emotions and relationships are concerned. Im not just talking about marriages and partnerships but my relationships with my immediate family and also the few friends I have. Whenever I am faced with a question that demands an emotional response my old brain kicks my sophisticated new one into touch and off I run. It is something that I must read up on and try to understand so I don’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I don’t normally read or watch the news, but I am becoming increasingly concerned over reports that the over 50s with underlying health conditions may be asked to self isolate again. I know some nurses who are expecting problems in October are getting things ready. I cannot go through all of that again. To lose what Ive just got back, my physical health and some of my mental health is too much to think about. I lost too much the first time around, I wont lose it all this time.

In other news. The weekend was unbelievably tough. I tried to do other things to take my mind away from its constant catastrophic thinking, anything to take my thoughts away from the past. I did nothing Friday, no weights or walking and the banjo has become an ornament again. You must have some music in your soul in order to try and make some, and I have had none recently. Sunday I was determined to do something so went for a walk along the River Thet with K. I had always thought Thetford was a bit of a dump but the walks along the river are amazing. Chucked a few lures around but caught nothing apart from some fresh air and inspiration. I think that I was meant to go out, as I was taught about how important it is to be mindful and tread carefully. We were sat on a bench eating my grazing snack of berries and nuts when this pigeon fluttered down onto the ground right in front of us just as a water vole ran past. The pigeon sat up stock still for a few moments and I thought it was just gesturing. As it flew off, there on the ground was a newly laid egg! I picked it up and it was so hot, Ive never seen anything like it. We wondered what to do with it and had no idea where the nest was, so I thought Id leave it for the vole. K looked at the tree where the pigeon had flown from and luckily the nest was just within my reach. I placed it next to the first egg she had laid. I really hope that the pigeon comes back and nests. It’s a lovely feeling giving nature a helping hand. I found a painted stone on my walk. Im not sure what I am supposed to do with it? Take it home and paint my own and leave it somewhere? It looked like how I felt!

Im off to meet the directors and hopefully some cast members of the sci fi film Im going to be in (briefly!) this coming weekend. Im really looking forward to getting out again and seeing if I can hold a conversation with people I don’t know. I am worried that if Im feeling good Ill come across as a bit full on or if Im not feeling good they will think Im a morose miserable bastard! Sunday afternoon I judged an online Cosplay event for Covcon. If none of you have been to Jeffs Coventry Comicon then you are missing a great event. Always packed with great guests and events and stalls its on again next May. Congratulations to Megan Reynolds for runner up for her awesome Negan and to Abi Franklin for her Princess Merida! Playing football tonight. When the weekends are dark its something I can look forward to and I really enjoy it. We do a bit of fitness and stretching first then play 5 a side for an hour. It’s a social thing as well and its nice to see the lads even if its only for once a week.

I am a good man and I deserve another chance at everything. I must learn to be less self critical and be a bit more forgiving of my faults and the faults of others. I must continue to be mindful of my actions on myself and others and I must try and continue to be honest and not hide behind my old self. Its up to me to make this week a good one. More webinars, more learning and more moving forward and away from who I used to be! I sincerely hope you all have an amazing week!