Hope

I thought I’d done with this writing business but it seems I am compelled to jot down ramblings and random thoughts.

I’m getting rather desperate again. I have dreamt about her for 5 nights running and it’s driving me mad. During the day you can think of other things, do something else to steer your mind away from those intrusive thoughts. However, at night once youre asleep what can you do to stop it? I was hoping that 9 months down the line she would be a distant memory, one to be filed away, locked away in a bottom draw in a disused dusty office. I sincerely hope that she doesn’t suffer from the same sense of loss and sadness I suffer when I awake to find it was all just a dream. Ive kidded myself that I’m ready to move on, but I’m not. I still think that I am better off on my own as much as I miss human contact. It will be a long time yet before I think about starting any relationship. What on Earth could I offer anyone at the moment.

I tried to go cold turkey the other day and stopped taking all my meds for three days. God I felt awful. I know it was a stupid thing to do so I won’t do it again. I’m definitely on these pills for life, being off them, especially on the third day, was frightening. The physical symptoms were awful, terrible headache, sweating and dizziness. The mental effects were interesting, I sat in front of the tv crying at the slightest sad thing I watched. I drove my car and knew I shouldn’t have been behind the wheel. Reckless driving is unfair on so many people.

I am still unemployed and still in debt. I’ve got a telephone interview for a management position at Amazon but don’t feel I’m good enough to go for it. This second lockdown may be it for me. I have lots of opportunities, a couple in films, but I’m supposed to be self isolating again. I wasn’t so scared of catching the ‘rona last time but this time it’s different. The infection rate has doubled in a week and it seems that it’s now out of control. Maybe it will carry me off who knows. I’m in my flat surrounded by stuff that I’ve bought in the hope I’d be getting out to exercise. My flat is now too small, too cold and still a constant reminder of what I tried to do in June. I haven’t moved on either physically or mentally it seems and that’s a depressing thought in itself. I’m bubbling along just above the water line and sometimes I feel like stopping swimming and just sinking. It would be so much easier for me but not for my family. So I continue to tread water, getting increasingly tired.

I suppose the very fact that I’m writing shows hope, although I think of Kenneth Williams last entry in his diary which simply stated ‘Oh what’s the bloody point’. I have not followed my own advice and spoken to my family or friends, hence this latest blog. When you are asked how are you, you reply I’m ok. It’s easier than telling the truth. What can anyone do to help you get over such a loss or life changing event? I know I’m hard on myself but it’s been 8 months and I should be a lot better than I feel shouldn’t I?

I keep going. I keep getting up. I still walk along that steep and curvy road of recovery. I cannot put it any better than the master himself, J R R Tolkien when talking about why we carry on. There is always hope.......

“It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something. That there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien