Hello everyone. The second part of CHIME is H for Hope. This is for me one of the most difficult things to write about. I suppose when you are trying to transform yourself and recover from such a devastating illness ( and it is devastating believe me) you have to be a bit selfish sometimes. If you spread yourself too thin you are in danger of rushing things, you are in danger of missing the important parts of the process that will allow you to heal properly. So this Hope is for me purely selfish, but in that selfishness there is the desire to get better so I can become a better mindful person and in turn remain connected to the things I love. Does that make sense to you?
This is what I hope for;
I believe that I will recover.
I know I must change or adapt or become the person I was meant to be.
I must remain positive and value my own efforts in my desire to recover.
I must have hopes and dreams for the future.
I must retain hope inspiring relationships.
If I can keep this hope alive I will be a better person and I will be a better more mindful person to those around me. That is the H in CHIME. Of course I hope for other things. I hope that my children will come to understand what I did and learn from it. I hope that she will read these blogs or hear of them and realise who I really am and the work Im putting in to get better. I hope I can rebuild my important friendship with K, who has supported me throughout, for nothing in return. I hope my mother and I can continue to talk and forgive each other. I hope that I continue to lose weight and get fit. I hope to do a photoshoot and try and get on some modelling books for the older gentleman! I hope that the conservative party disappear up their own bottoms. I hope that all of my friends and even people I once called enemies have a good day. I hope that anyone that hates me, steps back and thinks before judging me. I hope my brother and sister and their wonderful families are safe and well. Theres a lot of selfish hopes in there but also some altruistic ones!
Facts of the Day
84 men a week commit suicide
Thats 12 per day
One man every 2 hours
Please just think about that. In the space of me writing this, one man has taken his own life and left devastation behind him.
I was wondering if anyone reads my blogs right from the start and if they do is it the best place to start from? Ive reread them and some of them make for pretty hard reading. I read my blogs from the top down, from how I am now to what I was like only a few weeks ago and I can see the difference is enormous. Every day I get a little better and move a step closer away from that precipice and towards that river. Thats not to say that I dont have bad days or bad moments. Even though Im surrounded by family and friends I still feel alone. I had kidded myself that I was better off on my own by the middle of May. I told myself that I am stronger in my own company. I now know that it was my illness that was telling me all of that rubbish. I am beginning to see a lot clearer now. I can see my future not in the vast distance but in small increments. If you look too far head you'll end up tripping over your own feet and you are in danger of losing Hope.
If you know, you know!
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